Monday, August 31, 2009

I'm still waiting on a call from the doctor about therapy. I got word that I would have to do group therapy since they can't find a therapist that my insurance approves of. I guess I will have to call them myself and get things started if it's ever going to amount to anything. I need to be back in therapy because the doctor thinks my anxiety will be best handled in therapy. I'm just looking forward to not being the only crazy person in the room for a change.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Well, I went to the doctor yesterday and discussed my mood swings and anxiety. She increased my dose of antidepressant and said it would also help with the anxiety. I'm ready to be out of this funk. My mood is either depressed or angry. I want to be happy again...I'm tired of being tired. I sick of being sick. I guess you could say I'm sick and tired. hehe I know I'm getting better, it just doesn't seem fast enough. I want to be better now. But they told me depression takes the longest to recover from, the meds take months and months to work. I'm ready to have some energy back and to feel like my old self again. I guess I'll just have to settle for day by day and know that I am getting better, no matter how slow it is...

Monday, August 17, 2009

For reasons unknown I have been unable to sleep well here lately. I have been having the weirdest dreams and just not resting at all. I go see the doctor Wednesday, so we'll see what she has to say about it. I really don't want anymore medication, so I'm hoping we can steer clear of that. I have been a little down here lately, so I'm wondering if I need to increase my antidepressant again. I am horribly afraid of dropping back down into the depression that I suffered earlier this year, I never want to do that again. That was the lowest I have ever been and it was not fun at all. I'm still not completely better, but I am getting better. A little more each day.

Friday, August 14, 2009

*Sigh* It's been a rough week, mentally. I've just been snappy and grouchy and generally unpleasant. I have not felt very well all week to tell the truth. The kids have had a good first week at school. But I have been in a funk. I can't settle on any one thing and my mind is racing. I have not slept well at all, I can't quiet my mind at night. I can't really even find the words I want to put down I guess this will be a short post.

Monday, August 10, 2009

I just finished reading Impulse by Ellen Hopkins. It's a good book about suicide. If you ever really want to know what it's like to try and fail and then come back from it you should read it. You really get an understanding of the thought process. However, it is not a book I should have read. I'm still recovering from my own suicidal ideas and it was a bit too real for me. It was a good book, but not one I should have read. I feel horribly uncomfortable having read it, I can't explain it. It feels kind of like, I don't know. Like I read something adulterous almost. The book left me feeling breathless at the way it disturbed me somewhat, I guess you could say. Either way...good book.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

I'm having issues today. Panic attacks and I'm very stressed out. I always get a little panicked when Chris is at work, but I can normally PSP my way through it. Today I'm having no luck. The kids are really not helping either...all they can do today is fight with each other. I think I'm gonna have to speak to my doctor about something for this anxiety, I don't want any new drugs, but being like this is not healthy either. I know my blood pressure is sky high right now and all I want to do is cry. I can't lay down and sleep it off because I need to watch the kids. I have been playing on the computer most of the day. Trying to keep my mind off of it, but my chest won't stop hurting and I've had to hide from the girls a couple of times when I felt like I couldn't keep from crying. I don't want to upset them. Chris doesn't get off work until 5 and then he has an hours drive home, so it will be 6 at the earliest before he's home and something always happens to make him late. I guess I will just have to deal with it till he gets matter how hard that is to do.

Friday, August 7, 2009

I had one of those looks into the mind of normal people today that makes me hate them. This girl was bitching about this girl with mental illness neglecting her cats and so she turned her in to animal control. She thought more of the cats than the human that needed help. Everyone is so quick to save the cats, the dogs, the whatever....but to step in and help a human is out of bounds. That is wrong. The human can be left in hell to die, but save the damn cat. I love my cats, but not one of them is worth a human life. All I could think of is this poor girl is out there alone, trying to make it in a normal persons world and this other girl only cares about what happens to her cats. Where have our priorities gone when the animals are more important than the people? This is one of those things that makes my blood boil...the girl has a mental she's a bad person. No, that's not what it is...mental illness does not make her a bad person, it makes her a sick person who needs medical help. But normal people don't see it like that, they associate mental illness with bad behavior and bad people and think that it's their fault. It's not. Mental illness is not a choice, no more than any other disease. Mental illness does not make you a bad person! I'm not a bad person, I'm just like you only I am sick. I get up in the morning, I take care of my kids, I grocery shop, I drive my child to karate, I do all of the things normal people do. When I was at my sickest, I couldn't take care of my kids....but that didn't make me a bad person....all it made me was sick. Oh, it just pisses me off to no end...

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

It's almost time for school to start back...less than a week for us. I'm looking forward to it, more of a routine for me. The kids are ready as well, they get bored over the summer. The in laws have been and gone and what a time that was! We'll just say that it was not all we hoped for and hope for a better time next go round. Chris's vacation is over as well and I think I've done pretty well for his first day back. I think I only called him once. He was off today and has to go in again tomorrow and then off it's kinda easing back into the routine. We did some school shopping today, got backpacks. That's the only thing we have to buy, the teacher's buy everything else and we pay fees to the school. I wish they would just let us buy our's cheaper that way. Attie is playing with some dirt and rocks on the porch just now...she's gonna need to be hosed off before we go in! She loves dirt for some reason. Well that's all this go round...things here have been pretty slow!