tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14509565373508643912024-02-20T18:31:12.808-08:00A Shattered ViewStacey Vaughnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08354983238009306480noreply@blogger.comBlogger122125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1450956537350864391.post-14522725268256334052017-07-19T19:24:00.001-07:002017-07-19T19:24:27.164-07:00Very tired...So, two steps forward, three steps back. Yay. I've had bad reactions to the medications that have been tried. Was allergic to one, the other messed me up pretty bad. Lots of stress at home as you could imagine. So a minor fuss this morning saw me leaving my home after my doctor appointment and I'm staying somewhere else right now. I really don't feel like going into it all...but I just needed to get something out so it would stop running about my brain. I'm tired, it's really the only thing I can think of. I tired of it all. I want just a little peace and quiet, just a little bit of luck or karma or whatever to go my way. I have no idea what is going to happen. I feel like nearly 18 years of my life just went down the toilet. I don't regret my decision, I think it was the right one to lessen the stress on all. I'm just not sure what will happen going forward, but I am going forward. I'm not staying stuck anymore, not staying in the same place. I am afraid that this is going to be the most painful decision I've ever made in my life...I really am. But most of all today, I'm just really tired.Stacey Vaughnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08354983238009306480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1450956537350864391.post-70263119295759711362017-06-13T04:06:00.001-07:002017-06-13T04:06:29.426-07:00A diagnosis...finallySo, if you have followed this blog through the years...you are very aware of my journey and that this is my outlet for all the anger/hate/crying/frustration/feeling good/hopeful, etc thoughts and such. It can be a lot to take in, I know. <br />
You also know that around 20 years ago I was diagnosed with a mental illness and it kept getting renamed/re-diagnosed. First it was schizo-effective, then schizophrenia, then bipolar, then major depression with psychosis, then well...we don't really know but take these drugs...and so on and so forth for 20 years.<br />
So, after living in Kentucky and then coming home, I got a {bit} ill about the doctors just wanting to shove medications that never worked in me and I quit ALL of my doctors. I found a new family doctor and a new psychologist...we talked, a lot. We went over my history, a lot. They both asked "have you ever seen a neurologist?" in the same week. No, I had not. So, off I went to a neurologist. I saw her, after a few months of waiting to get in. (really, the wait was not as bad as it could have been) and my psychologist put me on a low dose of anti seizure meds while I waited to get in. <br />
So, I go in, she has all my paperwork from my 2 new doctors (who have run every test under the sun) and she schedules a MRI of the brain and an EEG. I go and have them done a few weeks later, in the morning and 2 hours later I get a phone call from her office. Yeah, I'm having near constant seizures and please take X amount of medicine and come back in a month.<br />
Yep....one test....that's all it took. 20 years of take these pills and we'll see what happens and all it took was a 2 hour test to show that...no, I don't have schizophrenia or bipolar, I have a seizure disorder. I was happy. I know that sounds crazy, but listen, I have been pumped full of drugs that did nothing but make me worse for a very long time. Finally....an answer. A result that could be seen...not guessing....not hey, let's see what this does. No, it's there...it's real...it can be treated. I was a little teary eyed.<br />
I've learned a lot since then. We are still trying to get the seizures under control, I can't drive until January as of right now. I will get another EEG around September and maybe it will be clear and I can drive after Jan...if not...well, we'll work on that then. Now, my family knows that when I suddenly act drunk or say nonsense things or act odd, I am having a seizure and that I won't remember it and that I am going to sleep for several hours after. Then I will wake up and we will go on. At least now they know why that happens. It's a lot to take in, even if I am happy to finally know what's going on. It's sometimes overwhelming, because before I had no idea what was going on around me, I had no awareness. Now, I can see what is happening, even if I can't control it and that is both comforting and scary. <br />
Sometimes I want to go back to the familiar world of gray and fog...just because it's familiar and I don't have to face reality. Reality being I may not ever get to drive again...and that limits my freedom. Most of the time I'm just finally happy to know that, while I have tons of issues that were CAUSED by psych docs who were supposed to be helping me, I am going to be ok in the end. My doctors now are good, and are hesitant to give me any medication without the ok of my neurologist...so I see that as a big step in a good direction. Sometimes part of me wants to sue the heck out of them...because I could and I have that right and now that I am finally on medications that are correct for my diagnosis, I can actually SEE that they did not even check to see if they were treating the right thing. They assumed that my symptoms meant I had a mental illness...none of them listened to the key things that told them it was not mental, but neurological. I am profoundly thankful for 2 doctors who did listen and caught the phrase, "I smell things that are not there. I have olfactory hallucinations"...turns out this is NOT a symptom of mental illness, it is a marker of neurological disease.<br />
All in all, I'm happy to know what is wrong with my brain, even if it scares the hell out of me most of the time.Stacey Vaughnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08354983238009306480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1450956537350864391.post-45539079537943306842017-03-21T18:17:00.002-07:002017-03-21T18:17:49.121-07:00Therapy Session 1So, I mentioned last time that I had changed. That is very true. In the time I've spent away from my blog, I've almost become a different person in more than one aspect. I've learned a few new things, had somethings reinforced and changed my views on quite a lot. There is nothing like working for a "mission" to give you a good cold dose of reality. I have come to the conclusion that the modern day church is nothing more than a false prophet. A pit of vipers if you will. Now, this certainly does not go for every single church out there...that would be silly. No, I mean as a collective the church of today is not concerned with helping people so much as building large buildings, holding fancy ceremonies, and making sure they look really good to actually help anyone. In the past 4 years it has been my unfortunate experience that the church really like my talents and my willingness to help others...and those churches have exploited it, in one case coming close to actually killing me. (No, that is not an exaggeration...medically I was in quite a pickle...it was not good.)<br />
These "organizations" loved that I had a big heart, I could sing, I was good with kids, I could do photography and such. They loved it so much they constantly asked me to do all sorts of things, far more than should have been asked. And, in one case, while they were busy taking from me...they actually wanted me to pay them money...even though other volunteers were given discounts and such for their work...I was not. Yeah. Go figure. <br />
You see....somewhere a few thousand years ago this guy went around and he tried to get people to be nice to each other and help each other. That was what I wanted to do...help, because in my own life I had felt helpless. I was a sucker. And I'm sure you can see I am still not happy about it...but this is what the blog is for. It's here for me to work through this and find my way back to me. The me I want to be.<br />
I've seen that "churches" will use the threat of hell over and over again...fear mongering. At this point in my life I have no fear of hell. There was a time when I did, but after living through what I have, hell is here on earth. I don't fear anything that might happen after I'm dead. It the things that can happen while I'm alive that bother me. However, it is very easy to keep your sheep in place if you constantly remind them that they will be damned for doing bad things...things that you say are bad. Because, folks, if you didn't know...those people lie. Don't believe me...READ IT FOR YOURSELF. Seriously, get the big book of everything and read it. If it is not mentioned over and over and on a consistent basis...yeah...that's not damnable offense. You see the book also has this dude's words in red...so it is really easy to see what he said. Most of the crap that people say he said was important...yeah...he didn't say it. In fact, those people don't know that because they didn't read it either, they relied on what someone else told them. Yeah...no. If you want to work out what you believe...don't listen to anything a human tells you...including me...go and research and find it out for yourself.<br />
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Ok...I'm a little worn after this first one...so I'm gonna go now. I've gotten this poison out of my system and now I need to take time to step back and evaluate. I'm sure there will be more to come.<br />
Ta for now...Stacey Vaughnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08354983238009306480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1450956537350864391.post-30502204447850318762017-03-10T05:14:00.001-08:002017-03-10T05:14:55.369-08:00Another Long Absence and Interesting NewsHello all, a lot has happened since I last posted, but it's time for an update. As you know, or maybe not if you are visiting this blog for the first time, this is where I started sharing my journey through life so many years ago. At times I have posted quite often and at times posts have been few and far in between. It's just how life goes. After so long, I feel the need to use this tool to help me through some things again, and maybe it might help others who are also out in the world. <br />
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I won't lie, sometimes things on this blog get rough and real. I may cuss, I may say things you don't like or believe, that's why there is a warning before you read the blog. This is my personal journey, my personal feelings. This is a place where I can let it out, say what I want and such. It's a good therapy tool to help me clear my head and make sense of things when I can't see them clearly at all. It's all that and nothing more. I share this simply because I've lived this life and know that others may find a sense of not being alone by reading it, as I have often found when I read things from others. It's nice to know that you are not the only one in life who feels a given way or that sometimes other people have situations like the one you may find yourself in. <br />
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Since I am bringing it back, I will (of course) be doing a bit of housekeeping and redesigning, if you've read before you will not be surprised...I like pretty things. And also glitter.<br />
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Just to get the bare bones out of the way:<br />
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I no longer live in Kentucky. I am now back home in Alabama and that journey is still very painful for me. I have a lot of lingering issues over it and I'm sure I'll address it in due time. I have recently found out that my diagnosis of several mental illnesses was likely wrong and it is highly possible that for my entire life I have had a seizure disorder, again, I will address this in coming posts. I have also learned some painful lessons that you will see reflected here on the "religious" aspect of life. More on that later too. <br />
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So, to recap, I've moved, my entire life has been turned upside down and nothing is in any way remotely the same as it was before. I hope that anyone reading this blog will find that they are not alone and that hope can be found in the funniest places, but it may be dark for a while...for as I've said...things have been bad. TTFN and I'll see you later.Stacey Vaughnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08354983238009306480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1450956537350864391.post-18698754263827275602015-04-28T07:44:00.002-07:002015-04-28T07:44:38.129-07:00Cardinal Singers TourWell, I'm back from a world wind adventure with the Cardinal Singers! We had a blast! We went to Missouri, Kansas, Arkansas, Mississippi and Tennessee. Those kids put on amazing performances every stop! Even though we had some kids who got sick, they never slacked a bit...I'm so proud of them!<br />
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I met a lot of great people, spent time with a lot of my fav kiddos, and saw some wonderful places. I am so glad Mark allowed me to go with them on this tour. It was such a blessing. These kids are living out their faith everyday and none of them are afraid to proclaim the name of Jesus! It just adds to the the blessings I get from being allowed to be here at Red Bird. I am so thankful to be here, so thankful to be working with the adults and kids who call Red Bird home. It's more than I ever dreamed. I am truly blessed!<br />
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<a href="http://s2.photobucket.com/user/Greyhoundgirl1977/media/csphoto1.jpg.html" target="_blank"><img alt=" photo csphoto1.jpg" border="0" src="http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y42/Greyhoundgirl1977/csphoto1.jpg" /></a>Stacey Vaughnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08354983238009306480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1450956537350864391.post-78226965682744146742015-03-31T03:05:00.000-07:002015-03-31T03:05:29.869-07:00Ready to goI am ready to be in Alabama for a bit! We are leaving after school tomorrow and I am watching the clock, trying to make it go faster. That is the hardest thing for me, being away from my parents. If I could get them to move up here with me, I totally would. Other than that it's great.<br />
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We have had a visit from our good friend Laurie and her kids...and that has been awesome! It's been so good to hang out with them and just have some time together. I'm looking forward to the summer when we will get to see them more!<br />
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I guess that is it...I just wanted to whine about how much I miss my mom and da...bye!Stacey Vaughnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08354983238009306480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1450956537350864391.post-26997717448077637752015-03-26T20:02:00.003-07:002015-03-26T20:02:54.684-07:00I took some time off...2 years off, to be exact. No biggie. I've had various projects on and off, but it's time to get back to basics. This blog has chronicled my struggle with mental illness along with various other things in my life, and that will remain true. In this blog I will continue to speak truthfully and openly, that is why you see an "adult content" warning on my blog. Sometimes life gets real and I try to stay real right along with it. So welcome back to my reality.<br />
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What's happened in the past 2 years? Last I left I was back in church, I was still human, etc. I'm still human, still in church...and living in a different state. Yeah, I typed that. Chris finished his math degree and less than 4 months later we were living in Kentucky. Sometimes life happens very fast. Chris works for Red Bird Christian School, teaching math and science for the 7th and 8th grade. I volunteer at the school and do whatever they ask me to. I've adopted a large number of kids or maybe they've adopted me...either way. <br />
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I miss my parents like crazy, but I know we are where we are meant to be and that helps a lot. I've made a lot of new friends up here. I'm trying to wrap my head around this sport with the hoop and the round ball that they play up here...it's strange. I live in quite possibly the prettiest place on earth, right inside the Daniel Boone National Forest. On a clear night I can see every star in the sky, I can hear every frog nearby. I live 30 minutes away from the nearest town. It's 20 minutes from my house to the nearest gas station. I love it. We live on campus at the mission and the kids have friends to hang out with and a safe place to be. Have I mentioned I love it here? Well, I do.<br />
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Well, that's my I've been missing forever and now I'm back post...hope you enjoyed it!Stacey Vaughnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08354983238009306480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1450956537350864391.post-79156151737805843822013-03-22T22:39:00.002-07:002013-03-22T22:39:44.017-07:00The Spring Blahs????I have been feeling really down here lately. I just feel like the world is out to get me. Like everyone thinks I'm worthless. It seems like everywhere I turn, people seem to be pointing out my faults. It's been a rough week or so. I thought this was supposed to happen in winter? I guess that it's more proof that I am not normal.<br />
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I feel like screaming, but at the same time, I wonder if it's even worth it. What happened to the me who was confident and happy? Ugh. I should be sleeping right now...but no, I'm not. Every time I closed my eyes I hear those voices telling me how worthless I am. I kinda feel like I've hit the bottom of the barrel and it's a long way up again. And it's a really tiring journey and I'm really tired and what I really want is just to rest. <br />
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I'm in one of those places where I wonder, why? Why me? Why now? And all those other questions that go along with that train of thought. I'm beyond tired of being so worn thin. I want a break....any break. Just one thing to go right for a change. Just one. I want to know where I'm going on this journey and I want some solid ground to stand on and I want to know that it will be ok in the end. I find myself short on faith right now...I find myself short on a lot of things right now. I just want some answers. I've been walking in this fog for so long...it drains every ounce of energy I have. I want a glimpse of where I am headed.<br />
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I feel very human right now. Very alone. I know it won't last forever, but it does seem that way right now.<br />
Here is a song I often listen to in times like these...It helps me move on again...
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/p9VjRomkTCo" width="560"></iframe>Stacey Vaughnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08354983238009306480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1450956537350864391.post-58801191451282570872013-02-09T20:09:00.003-08:002013-02-09T20:09:46.900-08:00Coming UndoneComing Undone by Korn<br />
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<span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Keep holding on when my brain's ticking like a bomb</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Guess the black thoughts have come and came to get me</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Sweet bitter words unlike nothing I have heard</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Sing along, mockingbird, you don't affect me</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">That's right</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Deliver it to my heart</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Please strike</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Be deliberate</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Wait, I'm coming undone</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Irate, I'm coming undone</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Too late, I'm coming undone</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">What looks so strong, so delicate</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Wait, I'm starting to suffocate</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">And soon I anticipate</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">I'm coming undone</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">What looks so strong, so delicate</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Choke, choke again, I thought my demons were my friends</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Pity me in the end, they're out to get me</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Since I was young I tasted sorrow on my tongue</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">And this sweet sugar gun does not protect me</span><em style="color: #555555; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;"><br />[ From: http://www.elyrics.net ]</em><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">That's right</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Trigger between my eyes</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Please strike</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Make it quick now</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Wait, I'm coming undone</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Irate, I'm coming undone</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Too late, I'm coming undone</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">What looks so strong, so delicate</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Wait, I'm starting to suffocate</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">And soon I anticipate</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">I'm coming undone</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">What looks so strong, so delicate</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">I'm</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">trying to hold it together</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">head is lighter than a feather</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">looks like I'm not getting better</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">not getting better</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Wait, I'm coming undone</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Irate, I'm coming undone</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Too late, I'm coming undone</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">What looks so strong, so delicate</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Wait, I'm starting to suffocate</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">And soon I anticipate</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">I'm coming undone</span><br style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">What looks so strong, so delicate</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">I love this song. And to some people that may seem odd...but let's look at it from my perspective. I have a Mental Illness....yes, God has seen fit to heal my mind and I don't have near the issues I once did...but I still have a Mental Illness. I still place myself in that category...I am still one of us. It's like anything else in life, there is a bond there. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">And this song is about going crazy. Pure and simple. I wish I had Jonathan Davis' talent for putting all my pain into words like this. I relate to him...because he and I are of the same kind. So I relate to this song. I know what this song is about. This song is for me.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">For someone with a sound mind, that is a terror inducing statement. But for those of us who know...that song is a release. It let's the evil out of your head and relieves the pain. It's comforting.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Many of you who read this blog, only know the Stacey who is presented to the world. You've seen very little of the real me. I feel that the real me is a dark and dangerous thing. It takes a ton of effort to walk in the normal world sometimes for people like me. It drains your strength. That is why most of us do a little something called "isolating". We remove ourselves from most situations. Stay home, go places alone. It's easier that way. You end up having more energy. We also don't sleep well...so that doesn't help the energy situation.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Now, in the past year, I have made real progress. I often enjoy the company of others and smiles come more easily. I often seek out companionship on my own...with out prodding. I have even taken to friending old high school-mates and seeing what their lives have been like. I'm growing. I see more light than dark these days and my soul is lighter. I am a fairly happy person and a fairly normal person. I am very appreciative of what I have.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">But always in my mind is the thought of what could be. The darkness is always there, partly disturbing, partly comforting in some ways. Some days it scares the snot out of me and some days I don't mind it at all. Like I said, I'm getting better. If only my temper would even out...I might pass for normal.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">That being said...I will always find comfort in Korn's music...I know how the mind that wrote it works and that is comforting to me. I think people feel that this music is evil and hate filled. But it's really just someone's reality. It's really just a lot of people's reality. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #3c3c3c; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Anyway...enjoy your weekend....be full of light and hope. Enjoy your good health and good friends.</span></span><br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/CSJXle3LP_Q" width="420"></iframe>Stacey Vaughnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08354983238009306480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1450956537350864391.post-57399368211303590972013-01-14T09:54:00.002-08:002013-01-14T09:54:34.610-08:00Various Little BlurbsI have quite a few things running around the enormous space between my ears. Thought I would jot them down for posterity, insanity...same thing.</br></br>
My kids are annoying. Seriously. The excel at the art of getting someone to wish they could slap them. Right now, as I type, they are arguing over some nonsense about birthday parties. While NOT doing the chores they were told to do. They each have inherited mine and Chris' sense of humor and sarcasm. This is probably a bad thing. They also love to ask obvious questions just to see me twitch. In fact, I am beginning to believe that most of the annoying things they do...they do to see me twitch. On the other hand....I realize that these same girls will dismantle any boy who ever tries to get in their way or hold them back. This, I think, is a good thing. Heck...Attie will probably just bite them and move on.</br></br>
Here lately I've been seeing my kids as they will be when they get older. Kaelyn is the easiest to cry...she's very sensitive. Beware to any boy who makes her cry...because she will get revenge. And she is not afraid to throw a punch. Emma is quieter and will most likely just crush someone with a look of disdain. She won't even give them the time of day. Attie...will be down right dangerous. Attie had no problem getting in your face and demanding you do what she says. And again...she's not afraid to throw a punch. Yes, beware boys...you're gonna have some bruises.</br></br>
Scene change</br></br>
Chris announced he got me a gift for my birthday. This is unheard of. Chris does not usually get me gifts. (this is my fault...in our younger days, he often came home with jewelry, roses, candy, and other assorted goodies. But I made the mistake of telling him we needed to be careful with our money...and since them...I have not received one gift. I think Janet forced him to buy me flowers one year for mother's day. Not one Christmas, birthday gift in over 9 years...nothing) So, this is unusual, to say the least. He asked if I wanted to know what it was...or if I wanted a surprise. I normally can't stand surprises...being to curious to wait. But opted for not knowing..since this was such an unusual occasion. I wanted to enjoy it fully. My birthday is not until March 2...so I have a bit of a wait. I have been told, though, that when a rather large package arrives..I am not to open it. Hmmmm.</br></br>
Scene change</br></br>
I still have not taken down my Christmas tree. Every time I think of it...something else comes up and it gets put off til later. Maybe I will do that later.</br></br>
Anyway...just little random things...nothing to serious...Stacey Vaughnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08354983238009306480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1450956537350864391.post-44551217814616985502013-01-08T08:28:00.002-08:002013-01-08T08:28:52.438-08:00Letting go...what I've doneTake a moment and watch this video and listen to the words. No it is not a Christian artist...but the message is good.</br></br>
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Preachers, teachers, saints, kids, teens, everybody will tell you that to get over your past you must hand it over to Jesus and let it go. This is true. But I wanna talk about your part of that today. The actual handing it over to God...that requires work on your part. No one can do it for you. This is something you must do by yourself. You must face yourself, forgive yourself, see yourself for who you are...and then hand it over to God.</br></br>
Put to rest</br>
What you thought of me</br>
While I clean this slate</br>
With the hands</br>
Of uncertainty</br>
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Jesus will wipe your slate clean in the spiritual...and it will all be gone. But you have to go into your own mind and body and wipe that slate in yourself. You have to let go and forgive yourself. And it may be with uncertain hands that you wipe that slate clean. But you need to do it.</br></br>
If you hold on to what you've done in your life...you will never get anywhere with God. God will be waiting on you. He's already forgiven you...it's done...you just have to let go of it, too. One of Chris' favorite sayings is "If God has forgiven you, how dare you not forgive yourself".</br></br>
You have to do it...yes it may be hard and it may take some time. But it is time well spent. Once you are a child of God, filled with His Holy Spirit, your past does not own you. You are free. And freedom means being able to let go. It's ok to let go and tell your past that "you don't own me". It really is.</br></br>
Now, there are going to be things that you will remember for the rest of your life...I'm not talking about erasing your memory. The key is to not let them hold you back, to let go of them and tell those things..."You no longer own me, I have forgiven myself of this, Jesus has forgiven me of this...and though it may come to mind, it does not control me. I am free in Jesus and these memories will not hold me back".</br></br>
Being a follower of Jesus is not always easy, it does require some work on our part. It requires you to let go of your past life, hurts, hangups, whatever. That may take time, but like I said, it is time well spent. If you want true freedom...do your part...let go and give 100% to Jesus. (as long as you hold on to those things...you will not be capable of giving 100%...just to let you know)</br></br>
So, we know we need to...but how do we? For some it is as simple as making up our minds, for others we need a little help and direction. There are many Bible studies, help groups and friends in Jesus who can help us out. Celebrate Recovery is a great program for anyone who can't let go of their past...no matter what is in it. It will take you through the steps of letting go bit by bit. Maybe you just need a one on one partner in this fight...seek out a member of your church, one who is a bit older than you spiritually, and ask for help with this area. This person can pray with you and give you counsel. Work it out physically...get a notebook or a blog and wtite out all these things and that can help you let go. There are many choices to help you with this, just find one that feels right to you, that you are comfortable with...and don't be ashamed or daunted if the first thing you try doesn't work out. Sometimes it takes a few tried to find out what we are comfortable with and what is going to work for us. Remember...no two of us are the same.</br></br>
I hope this has helped someone in some may...always keep in mind...I'm walking through this too.
Stacey Vaughnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08354983238009306480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1450956537350864391.post-28277222861886004342013-01-07T09:37:00.001-08:002013-01-07T09:37:12.080-08:00A short note on amazementIf you have not read a few entries back...do so. I will sum up until you can read it all. I was out of line...I am now in line. There ya go.</br></br>
Hmmm...when you line up with God..He will use you. I find things coming out of my mouth that did not filter through my brain first. I am writing things that did not come from my brain. They came from God as He revealed them to me.</br></br>
It's a little scary...being used this way. It's never really happened to me before...maybe because I never truly embraced who I was in Christ until now and He could not act when I was holding on to doubt. I have this feeling in my chest that I have to share...I have to get it out. I can not hold it in.</br></br>
I've heard preachers say...out of your mouth will flow living water....yeah, yeah. But I can not keep it in...can not. My way of letting it out is mostly online, through my blog, my Facebook groups and pages and through music. But I tell you if you were to set me up in the Walmart parking lot with a soap box...it would be all over.Stacey Vaughnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08354983238009306480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1450956537350864391.post-44740660038935272352013-01-06T20:51:00.000-08:002013-01-06T20:51:05.075-08:00The City on a HillThe City on a Hill</br></br>
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The Lord our God is one God. However, right now I want to talk about unity and diversity.</br></br>
When the first church began all those years ago, there was only THE church. Not the churches. And as the song depicts, one by one, the drifted away and sought to gather only with others that were like them.</br></br>
God is a lover of diversity. In that first church, there were many kinds of people. Did you imagine that the first church was populated just by people like you? No, there certainly were people like you there. But also there were those who are very different from you. There were those who worshiped in a quiet manner, and those who cried out loudly in their worship. There were people who were passionate when they spoke and those who were steady. There were those who were lovers of music and worshiped with their voices and instruments. There were those who prayed alone in a corner and those who walked and jumped and prayed out loud. Every kind of way to worship and praise the Lord was represented. Yet they were all united. They gathered together and they shared meals together. </br></br>
Then somewhere along the way, they began to just seek out those that were like them and slowly they began to separate. The church broke into churches, where only one common type of worship, prayer and preaching were common and accepted. The light began to fade in the city on a hill when the church began to grow apart.</br></br>
Because just like the song says, we were always meant to be together, we were never meant to be separate; we were made to complement one another in our worship. God loves diversity. He loves that we each have our own way to show our love to Him, but He loves it even more when we put aside the barriers of denominations and walls and come together and even though we are different…join together to worship His name. We were meant to stand together. We are stronger when we stand together. God made us to be together in THE church. Not separate in many different churches.</br></br>
It is not Biblical that we should be separated. God wants His church to be united. Across all the differences we may have, we have the love of God in common. That one fact is common ground enough to come together, each in their own different way, and love and worship God.</br></br>
It is time for the city on a hill to shine once again. It is time for the walls and barriers to be taken down and for brothers and sisters in Christ to reach out to one another in love and worship together. Just because someone is not like you, does not mean they are wrong or out of God’s will. It just means they show their love in a different way…God sees their heart and He knows them and all they are. It is time for us to break down the walls, because God did not put those walls there. They are man-made and were never intended by God. The Lord our God is one God and He has but one church….THE church.</br></br>
It’s time to find out light again and show the world the love of God.
Stacey Vaughnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08354983238009306480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1450956537350864391.post-75555641185754845042013-01-05T18:31:00.001-08:002013-01-05T18:31:30.258-08:00Pondering things.I hate not being able to be open about a situation. It annoys me. But I can be open about me and my issues and struggles. So, it will have to do.</br></br>
Ever had God kick you in the head? Yeah. Pretending to be someone you are not, even if it is for good reasons, is just not a good thing. When you pretend, you can not reach the people you are supposed to reach. How many people did I pass up while I was pretending? How much damage did I do? I pray that none, I pray that God used another person to reach them when I was not in a place to do my job.</br></br>
I am not meant to look like the main stream "Christians". I am meant to be the creature in Christ that I am. And show that God's love does not depend on your outward appearance. God does not care what your hair color, style, length is. He doesn't care what you dress like. He doesn't care how many piercings and tattoos you have. He LOVES you. Just as you are. God is worried about your heart and soul. He wants you to spend eternity with Him.</br></br>
Now, when you finally get your relationship with Jesus and you have Him as your Savior. He may speak to you about things. Maybe you will have convictions on the aforementioned things that are between you and God. And when that happens, that bond and covenant will be powerful. If you make a vow to not cut your hair with God, that has power. However, God does not require that of everyone. From each of us He requires different things. And what God requires of you may change as your relationship progresses. And at each stage..those vows you make and hold to will have power.</br></br>
What am I supposed to be right now? I am supposed to hold on to what makes me unique. My hair. I am supposed to keep it colored and show people God's love. I am to show them that God can love you...just as you are. I am to reach out to those who connect with me through that uniqueness. For me personally, it is ok to wear jeans, funky shirts, have funky colored hair, get my nails done, wear jewelry....most anything I want to. Of course there are limits. Nothing with foul language or offensive. Shorts, if I wear them out, are to be longer. I choose not to wear make up. I only wear jewelry occasionally.</br></br>
God loves diversity. He loves color and light and such. If He did not...then why so many different skin tones, so many different eye colors? Freckles? Why did He make so many different flowers and creatures? Because He loves diversity. God made us all different inside and out. No two are the same. Let that sink in...there is no one else like you. You may find people who share certain things in common with you...but no one is entirely like you. I can not grasp the power it takes to make so many people and plants and animals and each on of them different. That is power!! God is powerful enough to create all this diversity...and there is no limit to his perfection. </br></br>
I have 4 dogs in my house. A black Great Dane. A border collie/aussie shepperd mix. And 2 white boxers. The Boxers are the same type of dog...same breed. But they are nothing alike. Summer is goofy and small and loyal to the end. KC is drooly and loves to be up in your lap and love on you 24 hours a day. Summer loves to cuddle too, but she also likes alone time. Even in dogs...God's diversity is apparent. He took that much care to make even the animals individuals. How much more so are we given that love to be who we are????</br></br>
All this has been stewing in my head as I tried to work out who I was supposed to be. What was I supposed to look like? What types of vows to God was I to take? I've taken a week ( a serious week, a many months of piddling) and thought on these things. I wondered why my prayer life had been so constricted, why I really couldn't raise my hands in praise. Why I didn't feel God. Then something happened and I decided to die my hair again, back to purple. As first it was a rash decision, but then I got down to some serious talking with God about it. And God said...be you, be who you are. So I did. And there was freedom. I could praise again, and I could love God again and I could pray again. Those barriers were removed when I became who I was supposed to be all along. When I stopped trying to fit into this world's views and just became the person I was meant to be. I had been trying to be normal for good reasons. My husband is now a psstor, pastor's wives don't have purple hair. I tried to fit in. But I only bound my spirit and bound what God could do in my life and what He could do through me.</br></br>
Sometimes obeying God is not what the world expects of us. Sometime God wants us to do what He wants despite they way the world will look at us. I pray that I keep the strength to follow what God wants me to do. Even when it is hard, and I look different and I feel like I don't fit in.Stacey Vaughnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08354983238009306480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1450956537350864391.post-55997344946778903422012-12-26T09:29:00.002-08:002012-12-26T09:29:50.196-08:00Real life invades again...Ah, hello day after Christmas. How I've missed you, old friend. The day when reality comes crashing back in reminding you that you that you are nothing more than a weak human. I am struggling today to remain positive and upbeat. It started with a phone call this morning. I think we have a plan for that situation...so it's taken care of. But never the less the bubble has been shattered. Real life sets in and doesn't let up.</br></br>
To be honest this has not been my best Christmas. There have been lots of things that have gone on that have made me very sad, very angry and kind of depressed. Selfishness has made an appearance and tromped on both my Christmas eve and Christmas day. I am fighting bitterness over this. My kids came out smiling in the end, but that shadow that was cast over the holiday...it makes me angry. You see, like any parent, I want this time of year to be perfect for my kids. I do not want anything to bother them for those few short days. And this year...it didn't happen. I am very angry about it and trying to deal with it.</br></br>
My husband was forced to miss Christmas day with our family due to things beyond my control...I'm really ill about that. Forgiveness is hard and I'm not there yet. Chris has had to spend so many Christmas's away from home, due to work...this year he had to opportunity to be here for all of it...and it was taken from him...by selfishness. I hope you can see why I'm angry.</br></br>
On the bright side of life, the kids got lots of neat gifts. Lots of art supplies to draw and paint with. Cookie makers and sno cone makers and dolls and jewelry and clothes and toys and candy and more and more. Lots of good food, too. My house still looks like a bomb went off and spewed wrapping paper every where...but we'll work on that later.</br></br>
Right now I'm trying to hold on to the thought that good still exists. That I am loved and wanted and that my family is ok. I'm trying to make it through without snapping and letting all the bad things in my head rush out of my mouth. Lord help me.
Maybe I will leave you with a song...</br></br>
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/I3px9frGwak" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>Stacey Vaughnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08354983238009306480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1450956537350864391.post-82731988423797748562012-12-23T17:56:00.000-08:002012-12-23T17:56:14.863-08:00Have yourself a Merry Little ChristmasTomorrow is Christmas eve. All through my childhood a night that was more magical than Christmas itself. It is one of my favorite nights of the year. Tomorrow night we celebrate with The Vaughn/Rice clan. Tomorrow will be spent cooking, doing crafts and wrapping last minute gifts. Spent with family close and friends in our hearts. </br></br>
I'm 35 years old and I'm still not over the magic of Christmas. I never will be. As a child it was full of fun, candy and presents. A kid's dream. As an adult it was full of family and love and good memories. As a Christian it is a time of hope and wonderful reminders that Jesus loved us enough to come to earth. I can't get over it...I hope I never do. The King of Kings came down as a little baby, he went through all we go through...just because He loved us. That means He knows what I feel like when I feel cold and lonely. What I feel like when I see my friends faces after a long time apart. He knows how it feels to not sleep enough. To walk down a dusty road. To read a book. To hug and to care. He knows what it's like to be hungry. All these little things that make us human....He came and experienced them too, just because He loved us. If that does not blow your mind, you need a better mind.</br></br>
My father preached one of the best sermons I have ever heard this morning. Peace on earth, good will toward men. He told a story of a man who was waiting on Jesus to come and dine with him. And the doorbell rang, and standing there was a ragged man, no shoes and cold. He invited him in, gave him shoes and a warm coat and then the man was on his way. Then, not long later, an old woman was at the door...just looking for a bit of rest. He invited her in and served her food and bade her to rest until she felt strong enough to continue with her journey. She too, left. Then the man heard a small voice asking for help and he opened his door to find a little child who was lost. He took the child home. When he came back, the day was gone and he was disappointing that he had not dined with Jesus. But as he prayed and asked the Lord why He had not come and dined with him, the Lord answered, I did come...in the man with no shoes and the woman looking for rest and the child who was lost. And you cared for me and gave me shoes and rest and showed me the way home. How many times do we do that? We say we do it all the time, but do we really? When someone drops something in Walmart...do we walk on by or do we bend down and pick it up for them? Little things like that make a difference in the lives of others. When you look back on your life it will not be the big things that stand out...but all those little things that seemed very unimportant at the time. Those are the things that make us who we are...those are the fabric of our lives. That is how we show Jesus to others...in the small things. Ripples in a pond always start out small...but they spread. That small ripple will continue to grow until it touches the very edges of the pond. Just as the small kindness you show someone will grow in their heart until it reaches the very core of their soul. </br></br>
So, as you go through all the magic that is Christmas, remember the small things. Our lives are made up of small things. They grow and make us who we are...they touch every life around us. What do your small things say about you?Stacey Vaughnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08354983238009306480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1450956537350864391.post-72394636813736456882012-12-18T15:04:00.001-08:002012-12-18T15:04:35.346-08:00So, who am I?I am not the person I was...that I can tell you. The person I was would snap you in half like a green bean. I would tear you to pieces without a warning. I am no longer that person. I am quieter, more easy going. I am more polite and kinder. I give second, third and even fourth chances. I smile often. I offer kind words in place of the evil I once did. I do what I can to support and uplift. I follow my husband's lead and his voice. I take up his cause and do what I can to further it.</br></br>
But, I am not a push over. I am not a lap dog. The people that surround me now, do not know this. They have never seen me put my foot down, there has never been a need to, until now. All they have known is the easy going wife, who helps where she can.</br></br>
The line was drawn for our little couple and not even 24 hours later a phone call to me to help with a little party. Fine, but did you take care of the business you need to yet? Did you hold to your end of the bargain? No??? Then we have a problem. And when I put my foot down, the whining and blame began. The accusations that I was being unfair and siding with the wrong party. It was like talking to one of my kids instead of an adult. Bottom line...you have unfinished business. You have NO business throwing a fancy party until that first thing is taken care of. Period. End of story. Be an adult and take care of your business. Then you can play. That's how the rest of us do it...time for you to step up into the world of responsibility.</br></br>
That was my day today...only the entire thing was carried out in text messages. Which have been safely saved and emailed to those who need to know what is going on. Ah, I love the holidays...Stacey Vaughnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08354983238009306480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1450956537350864391.post-24139070098041273242012-11-30T06:51:00.001-08:002012-11-30T06:51:21.119-08:00It's beginning to look a lot like...chaosBetween not sleeping and being sick...I am feeling like the dreaded zombie. I hate zombies. I would just about kill for a good night's sleep. Attie is still snoozing with me, which makes for bruising napping...not sleep. She is recovering from having her tonsils out a few days ago. She is doing well, griping about not being able to play and trying to dodge taking her medicine. Totally my kid.</br></br>
KC has joined the household again....a miraculous thing. A stranger showed up a few days ago with him in his car...most bizarre thing ever. He smells like a skunk and I still have not been able to get rid of that smell, but he's home and fitting right in. I think that's about it for this little blurb...see ya.Stacey Vaughnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08354983238009306480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1450956537350864391.post-8650230862914924682012-11-21T13:45:00.001-08:002012-11-21T13:45:22.043-08:00I have a new titleThough some have considered me a ministers wife for some time, the title is now official. Chris is now a legal pastor, minister, whatever you would like to call it. I am so proud of him!!! I can't wait to see what God does through him! I know it will be great, because so far it has all been good. Chris has been such a tool in so many people's lives this past year and a half, I can't begin to tell you. So many have seen Jesus through his ministry, I am so proud of him and what he does.</br></br>
And what does Chris do? I guess the official announcement is severely overdue. Chris is the Education Director for Red Letter Missions, among other titles. Right now and for the past year he has been the Director of New Hope at New Life, a ministry that helps those people who need to overcome addictions and personal hang ups in their lives. He teaches ACTS, which is a NA/AA type class, Celebrate Recovery and several other classes.</br></br>
So, I am an official minister's wife. This freaks me out a bit, because I do not feel I am that caliber of person. I measure myself against my mother, who by all accounts, is the best minister's wife I know. I feel like a little baby, when compared with all these other ladies I see. But the point is not to compare myself, as I am prone to do, but to support Chris in his ministry and live my life in a way that shows Jesus is Lord. The Stacey of 18 months ago does not exist anymore, I have been born again and the focus of my life is my Lord. I feel very blessed to be married to Chris, who even when times were black, never gave up on me.</br></br>
The future holds many things for us, I am sure. Red Letter Missions will provide more excitement that I can keep up with I am also sure. I feel very lucky to be a part of it all and I can't wait to get to Kentucky and start working. Patience is a very hard thing...by the way. Chris and I plan to be in Kentucky in 2014, so that gives us a year to finish up our work here and prepare. I'm ticking off the days...</br></br>
If you'd like to follow RLM you can do so on Facebook and you can visit our website at www.redlettermissions.org. Have a blessed day!!Stacey Vaughnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08354983238009306480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1450956537350864391.post-70212027717008481752012-11-07T11:56:00.001-08:002012-11-07T11:56:52.931-08:00So, how much can the average human take?It seems the only way I can catch a break is to fall down a flight of stairs. I have always heard that "God will not put more on you than you can bear". I can even back this up in scripture. </br></br>
1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.</br></br>
However, today this does not make me feel better. Why? Because I am wondering how much I can take and how much I will be asked to take. I just got a call from the doctor's office that the CT I had last week showed a nodule in my lung. I am being sent to a specialist to check on this new development. Now this could all be nothing or this could be terrifyingly life threatening. At this point, it all looks bad to me because I do not have enough information. I do know that any nodule anywhere is generally a not so good thing. Nodules are not normal, they are growths that occur when something goes wrong. So, is the thing that went wrong a little benign rapid growth or cancer? I can not answer that yet. I have never really been a smoker and have generally tried to stay away from smoke...so for me to have lung cancer would really be ironic. </br></br>
However, this is not the only thing going on in my life...here let me run the list down for you:
My uncle just died.
I'm behind in my schoolwork.
My psych office just kicked me out because I don't have money to pay my copays.
I can not find a new doctor to prescribe my medicines.
My father is in poor health.
My mother is in poor health.
And various other things I should not mention in mixed company.
I feel overwhelmed, yet in the middle of it all there is calmness in me. And that only comes from God. But still, I wonder, how much more is coming??? How much more will I be required to walk through. I am tired and distracted and in need of a little sanity, but there is none on my horizon.</br></br>
It would not be fair not to mention the good things that are happening too...Chris has a possible job and he is subbing and applying to sub at various school systems. My kids are healthy and happy. I have not lost my home. I have not lost my van. So things could definately be worse. Anyway, that's the update for today....Stacey Vaughnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08354983238009306480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1450956537350864391.post-50593282438579059202012-10-26T20:30:00.000-07:002012-10-26T20:30:18.006-07:00Just hanging onNot much to update. I feel a little better today. Still have no answers. I have more problems than I can deal with and it's not going to get any better, but at least I'm breathing. I think that's all I can say today...Stacey Vaughnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08354983238009306480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1450956537350864391.post-40909795624706476132012-10-23T14:34:00.002-07:002012-10-23T14:34:56.485-07:00I'm having a bad dayIt's been a horrible week and it's only Tuesday. I feel like I'm as low as I can get right now. I just feel crushed beneath all this weight. Everybody says to hang on, but I've hung on till my nails are bloody...how much longer do I have to hang here in limbo? Everybody says, God will not give you more than you can handle...well, thanks for the advice, but you are not living in my circumstance. It's easy to say those words when you have a job and some income and a little money to put gas in your car. When I say I don't have any money...it's not a figure of speech. I've been depending on other people to put gas in my van for months. Other people have been paying my bills, so my power didn't get cut off. I am out of resources, I'm at the bottom of the barrel, I have no where else to go. Literally. Everytime I turn my head, something else is coming at me and I can not keep up anymore. I really wanna say that I have hope left, but I don't feel like I do. Maybe it's there and I just don't know it. I am sick and tired of being the well dressed version of a street bum, I know bums who have more than I have. Just one good thing is all I'm asking...just one.Stacey Vaughnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08354983238009306480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1450956537350864391.post-72789057678900212362012-10-17T17:48:00.000-07:002012-10-17T17:48:24.425-07:00More reflection...I have had time to reflect on my last post and realized it was misleading. I do not feel that way about all of my family, not at all. There are just certain parts of it that are, what you would call fake. Most of my family are good folk who care about people. Anyway...blogging to correct a previous blog...lol.Stacey Vaughnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08354983238009306480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1450956537350864391.post-7914822695720080152012-10-15T11:25:00.001-07:002012-10-15T11:25:47.222-07:00Letting go...Chris has this saying, about when we hold on to things that are toxic to us and don't hand them over to God. He says we keep it because it's pretty, and shiny and it's mine. I always laughed at that saying, never really seeing myself one to hold onto something "toxic". And then it hit me, I was holding on to something. I was holding on to an idea. The idea that certain people in my life, though I didn't see them but maybe 2 times a year, really deep down were good people and loved me. I was wrong. In reality those people look down on my family (Chris, the kids and I) and see us as a burden and a bother. These people should be supportive of my family, but they are not...they are too much in the world. This realization hurt me really deeply, these are people I have spent my entire life with, who are supposed to love me...and in reality, they don't even care for me, much less care about me.</br></br>
If you have not guessed already I am talking about the majority of my family. Risky, putting this side of my feelings out there, but I honestly don't think any one of them will ever read this, and I'm tired of lying to myself and the world. I always thought of my family as close. But it's not. There are little clicks who are close...but I am not included in any of those. I'm not cool, I'm not successful at what is deemed popular. I am {now} a Jesus Freak, Stay at home mother, school teacher and all around guru of things that make my children both smile and cringe. I am embarking on a new phase in my life as a home missionary as well. And it slowly dawned on me that these are not popular things to be in my family. I am, in just about every sense, the black sheep of the family.</br></br>
This is what I was not letting go of. I was holding it, playing with it, letting it breed fear and resentment in my heart, letting it separate me from God. Until yesterday. And I really didn't wanna deal with it yesterday, I was even going to skip church. But, in the end, I couldn't do that, and I did deal with it all and just gave it all to God. All that was so broken and trampled in my life, I gave to Him. I feel better, there is still a little sadness in me. I always thought my family was perfect. And it sucks to realize that it's not. But I do have people who love me.</br></br>
In my time at New Life, I have gained a new family that loves me for who I am. Even when my hair is blue, they are not ashamed to call me a sister. They love me for who I am, unconditionally. That is a great comfort to me. I don't have to pretend or play nice...I can just be who God made me to be and that is ok. I guess that's all the time I have for now...peace be with you!!Stacey Vaughnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08354983238009306480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1450956537350864391.post-68871077200115328442012-10-02T17:28:00.000-07:002012-10-02T17:28:01.589-07:00A mixed up dayI've had a day with ups and downs. Went to the doctor today for some symptoms that I've been having for about 1 month. Found out that I may have uterine polyps, so I get to have a hysteroscopy and a D&C with possible ablation and polyp removal on the 29th. Ok, I can handle that. It was also noticed that I have a 1cm nodule in my right breast...I get to have a mammogram for that tomorrow. I don't know what to think about that, I've had fibroids all my life and had not noticed any changes myself...so I'm a little worried, but not much so...just gonna wait and see what the results show. I also learned that I am seriously anemic. This would contribute to my lack of energy and the breathless feeling I get sometimes. So tomorrow after all my testing, I'm off to shop for a good multiviatamin with iron in it.</br></br>
Now that is all the bad. Now on to the better. I've been itching to have another child for years now, but I had my tubes tied after the disaster known as my pregnancy with Attie. I've been wanting to have that reversed. Well, after some serious thought and serious talks with the hubby...I have some good news. Chris does not object to having more children, he just objects to me dying. So, we have decided that we will look into adoption when we settle down in Kentucky in a few years. That gives us time to get back to stable as far as finances go and time to learn all we need to do and take all the classes we need to take to adopt. This makes me so happy, up until now I thought Chris was dead set against more children...but turns out he's just dead set against anything that would hurt me. And admittedly, me being pregnant is not a very healthy option...I tend to get very sick and spend alot of time in the hospital. I will have it known that Attie was totally worth it though!!!! She was worth every nightmarish minute of it!!!</br></br>
So that was my day in a nut shell....a little good and a little not so good.Stacey Vaughnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08354983238009306480noreply@blogger.com0