School begins...

Chris had his first full week of school this week. It went well. It looks like all the worrying he did over getting behind during the snow was for nothing. He's ahead in most of his classes. I think when he settles in his stress level will go down...at least I hope so. We discussed him just going to school and not working while he's in school, he's giving it some thought. Attie's birthday went well. We had cupcakes and ice cream and she loved it. She got some nice jewelry for her birthday. I handed down my diamond earrings and necklace to her and mom got her a cross necklace. She didn't want to go back to school after being out a week, and all this week she hasn't been real happy about going. Well, until today...they had a pep rally and she was excited about that. Some motivational thing about not being a bully with a guy dressed up as a fox doing tricks and things. She was really excited about it when I picked her up. Emma and Kaelyn are doing well. Both made good grades on their last report cards. Other than they have been trying to take each others heads of nothing really out of the ordinary with them. As for me, I talked with Chris and I'm going to start individual therapy this year. I go for my reintake in February and I'm going to have them change me over. I've wasted a year in group, I'm ready to move on. Maybe I can make some real progress this year. Maybe, we'll see...

Long overdue update

Well, it's almost a new year. I'm glad to be kicking this year behind me. Lots of things have been going on, but we'll get the psych stuff out of the way first. Went to the doc a few days before Christmas, she's happy with the cocktail of pills I'm on now and I have to admit I feel pretty good. So, no changes in meds this go round. I still have a long way to go, the house is not where I would like it to be, but I'm making little steps towards it. I am hoping that after the first of the year gets here and things settle down I can do individual therapy for a while. That will be something interesting. Christmas was good, the kids got everything they wanted and then some. I did not have as good a Christmas as I wished I had. I was sick before Christmas, so it kind of threw me off. But I guess we all have an off year every now and then. Dad is recovering from his knee replacement well. I've not done as well as he has. I have had to shift my view of my father and it has really bothered me. I have had to shift from him being the strong, all knowing father type to the his body is failing and I can't really deal with it type. His CHF seems fairly under control for the time being. However the pain in his back and leg are not getting any better. He is able to walk with just a cane now, and without one for short distances. I'm just not dealing well with the reality of his health and that he really is a senior citizen. My father has always been the one I've turned to for answers about everything...he has been the one who has beaten death time and again. And now to view him as frail...it seems so wrong. He should not have to face the indignity of having to get old, his health should remain well and steady. I now have the constant fear that he won't be here tomorrow...I think about it all the time and wonder if I'll be ready. (See...refer back to me needing individual therapy) Chris will be starting back to school in a few short weeks. Not sure if I'm ready for that either. I am making it through most nights he is at work fairly well and with a minimum of medication. But this will take him to classes 1 or 2 nights a week on top of work. And then there is the hours of online courses he will be taking. I feel like my world is shifting beneath my feet. I'm not sure what it will look like when it becomes still again. I guess that is all, it's all I have energy for anyways...

UGH

Nausea, headaches, dizziness, exhaustion, craving salty foods, sweet foods taste funny. I want to know who the sadist is that invented a medicine that mimics all the bad things in pregnancy??? I feel awful. I'm sleepy all the time, I'm nauseous all the time. Nothing tastes right. I could eat salt out of the shaker. I have a headache almost every night. And there's no pay off in 9 months....there's just dealing with the side effects and living with it. I go back to the doctor in late December and if it's still this bad I'm telling her I want off this stuff. I've been on it, 2 months now, I think. And I've been sick the entire time, but lately it's gotten worse. I could go to bed a 5pm and not get up till 7 or 8 the next morning. In fact, I did do that last night and at 5pm this evening I was yawning and ready to sleep!! This just sucks.....

Doctor Visit

I went to the doctor this morning, Chris went with me. No changes in my meds this time, but some changes in lifestyle. I am supposed to turn over the money, checkbook and debit card to Chris. Which is hard, I'm used to having it all the time. I'm also supposed to start with a very small and very easy list of 3 things to do a day. After 2 weeks I'm supposed to add 1 thing to the list and keep going from there. This is supposed to keep me from getting overwhelmed. I am also to do 1 thing a week that makes me feel good, and to focus on positive things since I've been feeling so down. Maybe I can do this. Maybe I can dig myself out of this hole. I feel so helpless, kinda lost in the middle of it all. I can't even begin to know where to start. It feels like everything is over my head. So maybe these things will help me and I will get back on track.

It starts tonight

That's the name of the song I'm listening to right now. Love me some TobyMac and John Cooper!! However, it is an appropriate title. I got a new puppy. She is a 6 week old BullBoxer. She is absolutely adorable. I named her Satchel. I am hoping that she will give me a little boost and help me. Help me move more out of the depression and help me be able to get out and be more social. Lots of hopes riding on such a tiny little thing. But I have to have that hope, the other side of that is darker than I can bear to think about. So, I pin a ton of my hopes on little Satchel.

Problems with a good day

Well, this morning I am sitting in the car with Chris waiting to leave on a field trip with Attie's class when my phone rings. It's the school, they need me to come to the office because Kaelyn got caught stealing from the school's little store in the office. Needless to say I was not happy. I go in and talk to the counselor and to Kaelyn. I did not yell...for that I am proud. I call my mother to come and get her, because they suspended her until I can have a meeting with the principal. (who was in a meeting at the time) Chris decides to skip the trip and stay home to deal with Kaelyn, so he hops out of the car as we are pulling out. We had a good time at Tate Farms, despite Attie being overwhelmed by the sheer number of people there. Lots of good pics and she did have a good time. We even stopped for ice cream on the way home. She got a cute little pumpkin and I got a medium sized one. I always love the pumpkin patch field trip....it's my favorite. So, I get back home and talk to Kaelyn. We go over everything, the punishments, the reasons she should never do this again...all that stuff. I am just not sure what to do, this is the 2nd time this year she's been caught stealing. So, even though she is grounded...I don't see it having a lasting effect...she just got ungrounded from the first time and then turned around and did it again. Her counselor suggested having a parole officer talk to her and I thought about taking her for a tour of the jail. Try to scare the crap out of her with where this little problem could land her. I'm just baffled. I give my kids everything I can. They know stealing is wrong. This should be a cake walk decision. Why is she choosing wrong? I have no answer for this....it's frustrating!!!

New look for Halloween

I'm proud of it. LOL I did it all myself!! Maybe now I'll get my butt in gear and be on here more often!!