Ready to go

I am ready to be in Alabama for a bit!  We are leaving after school tomorrow and I am watching the clock, trying to make it go faster.  That is the hardest thing for me, being away from my parents.  If I could get them to move up here with me, I totally would.  Other than that it's great.

We have had a visit from our good friend Laurie and her kids...and that has been awesome!  It's been so good to hang out with them and just have some time together.  I'm looking forward to the summer when we will get to see them more!

I guess that is it...I just wanted to whine about how much I miss my mom and da...bye!

I took some time off...

2 years off, to be exact.  No biggie.  I've had various projects on and off, but it's time to get back to basics. This blog has chronicled my struggle with mental illness along with various other things in my life, and that will remain true.  In this blog I will continue to speak truthfully and openly, that is why you see an "adult content" warning on my blog.  Sometimes life gets real and I try to stay real right along with it.  So welcome back to my reality.

What's happened in the past 2 years?  Last I left I was back in church, I was still human, etc.  I'm still human, still in church...and living in a different state.  Yeah, I typed that.  Chris finished his math degree and less than 4 months later we were living in Kentucky.  Sometimes life happens very fast.  Chris works for Red Bird Christian School, teaching math and science for the 7th and 8th grade.  I volunteer at the school and do whatever they ask me to.  I've adopted a large number of kids or maybe they've adopted me...either way.

I miss my parents like crazy, but I know we are where we are meant to be and that helps a lot.  I've made a lot of new friends up here.  I'm trying to wrap my head around this sport with the hoop and the round ball that they play up here...it's strange.  I live in quite possibly the prettiest place on earth, right inside the Daniel Boone National Forest.  On a clear night I can see every star in the sky, I can hear every frog nearby.  I live 30 minutes away from the nearest town.  It's 20 minutes from my house to the nearest gas station.  I love it.  We live on campus at the mission and the kids have friends to hang out with and a safe place to be.  Have I mentioned I love it here?  Well, I do.

Well, that's my I've been missing forever and now I'm back post...hope you enjoyed it!

The Spring Blahs????

I have been feeling really down here lately.  I just feel like the world is out to get me. Like everyone thinks I'm worthless.  It seems like everywhere I turn, people seem to be pointing out my faults.  It's been a rough week or so.  I thought this was supposed to happen in winter?  I guess that it's more proof that I am not normal.

I feel like screaming, but at the same time, I wonder if it's even worth it.  What happened to the me who was confident and happy?  Ugh.  I should be sleeping right now...but no, I'm not.  Every time I closed my eyes I hear those voices telling me how worthless I am.  I kinda feel like I've hit the bottom of the barrel and it's a long way up again.  And it's a really tiring journey and I'm really tired and what I really want is just to rest.

I'm in one of those places where I wonder, why?  Why me?  Why now?  And all those other questions that go along with that train of thought.  I'm beyond tired of being so worn thin.  I want a break....any break.  Just  one thing to go right for a change.  Just one.  I want to know where I'm going on this journey and I want some solid ground to stand on and I want to know that it will be ok in the end.  I find myself short on faith right now...I find myself short on a lot of things right now.  I just want some answers.  I've been walking in this fog for so long...it drains every ounce of energy I have.  I want a glimpse of where I am headed.

I feel very human right now.  Very alone.  I know it won't last forever, but it does seem that way right now.
Here is a song I often listen to in times like these...It helps me move on again...

Coming Undone

Coming Undone by Korn

Keep holding on when my brain's ticking like a bomb
Guess the black thoughts have come and came to get me
Sweet bitter words unlike nothing I have heard
Sing along, mockingbird, you don't affect me

That's right
Deliver it to my heart
Please strike
Be deliberate

Wait, I'm coming undone
Irate, I'm coming undone
Too late, I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate
Wait, I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate

Choke, choke again, I thought my demons were my friends
Pity me in the end, they're out to get me
Since I was young I tasted sorrow on my tongue
And this sweet sugar gun does not protect me
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net ]

That's right
Trigger between my eyes
Please strike
Make it quick now

Wait, I'm coming undone
Irate, I'm coming undone
Too late, I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate
Wait, I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate

I'm
trying to hold it together
head is lighter than a feather
looks like I'm not getting better
not getting better

Wait, I'm coming undone
Irate, I'm coming undone
Too late, I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate
Wait, I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate

_______________________________________________________________

I love this song.  And to some people that may seem odd...but let's look at it from my perspective.  I have a Mental Illness....yes, God has seen fit to heal my mind and I don't have near the issues I once did...but I still have a Mental Illness.  I still place myself in that category...I am still one of  us.  It's like anything else in life, there is a bond there.  

And this song is about going crazy.  Pure and simple.  I wish I had Jonathan Davis' talent for putting all my pain into words like this.  I relate to him...because he and I are of the same kind.  So I relate to this song.  I know what this song is about.  This song is for me.

For someone with a sound mind, that is a terror inducing statement.  But for those of us who know...that song is a release.  It let's the evil out of your head and relieves the pain.  It's comforting.

Many of you who read this blog, only know the Stacey who is presented to the world.  You've seen very little of the real me.  I feel that the real me is a dark and dangerous thing.  It takes a ton of effort to walk in the normal world sometimes for people like me.  It drains your strength.  That is why most of us do a little something called "isolating".  We remove ourselves from most situations.  Stay home, go places alone.  It's easier that way.  You end up having more energy.  We also don't sleep well...so that doesn't help the energy situation.

Now, in the past year, I have made real progress.  I often enjoy the company of others and smiles come more easily.  I often seek out companionship on my own...with out prodding.  I have even taken to friending old high school-mates and seeing what their lives have been like.  I'm growing.  I see more light than dark these days and my soul is lighter.  I am a fairly happy person and a fairly normal person.  I am very appreciative of what I have.

But always in my mind is the thought of what could be.  The darkness is always there, partly disturbing, partly comforting in some ways.  Some days it scares the snot out of me and some days I don't mind it at all.  Like I said, I'm getting better.  If only my temper would even out...I might pass for normal.

That being said...I will always find comfort in Korn's music...I know how the mind that wrote it works and that is comforting to me.  I think people feel that this music is evil and hate filled.  But it's really just someone's reality.  It's really just a lot of people's reality.  

Anyway...enjoy your weekend....be full of light and hope.  Enjoy your good health and good friends.

Various Little Blurbs

I have quite a few things running around the enormous space between my ears. Thought I would jot them down for posterity, insanity...same thing.

My kids are annoying. Seriously. The excel at the art of getting someone to wish they could slap them. Right now, as I type, they are arguing over some nonsense about birthday parties. While NOT doing the chores they were told to do. They each have inherited mine and Chris' sense of humor and sarcasm. This is probably a bad thing. They also love to ask obvious questions just to see me twitch. In fact, I am beginning to believe that most of the annoying things they do...they do to see me twitch. On the other hand....I realize that these same girls will dismantle any boy who ever tries to get in their way or hold them back. This, I think, is a good thing. Heck...Attie will probably just bite them and move on.

Here lately I've been seeing my kids as they will be when they get older. Kaelyn is the easiest to cry...she's very sensitive. Beware to any boy who makes her cry...because she will get revenge. And she is not afraid to throw a punch. Emma is quieter and will most likely just crush someone with a look of disdain. She won't even give them the time of day. Attie...will be down right dangerous. Attie had no problem getting in your face and demanding you do what she says. And again...she's not afraid to throw a punch. Yes, beware boys...you're gonna have some bruises.

Scene change

Chris announced he got me a gift for my birthday. This is unheard of. Chris does not usually get me gifts. (this is my fault...in our younger days, he often came home with jewelry, roses, candy, and other assorted goodies. But I made the mistake of telling him we needed to be careful with our money...and since them...I have not received one gift. I think Janet forced him to buy me flowers one year for mother's day. Not one Christmas, birthday gift in over 9 years...nothing) So, this is unusual, to say the least. He asked if I wanted to know what it was...or if I wanted a surprise. I normally can't stand surprises...being to curious to wait. But opted for not knowing..since this was such an unusual occasion. I wanted to enjoy it fully. My birthday is not until March 2...so I have a bit of a wait. I have been told, though, that when a rather large package arrives..I am not to open it. Hmmmm.

Scene change

I still have not taken down my Christmas tree. Every time I think of it...something else comes up and it gets put off til later. Maybe I will do that later.

Anyway...just little random things...nothing to serious...

Letting go...what I've done

Take a moment and watch this video and listen to the words. No it is not a Christian artist...but the message is good.



Preachers, teachers, saints, kids, teens, everybody will tell you that to get over your past you must hand it over to Jesus and let it go. This is true. But I wanna talk about your part of that today. The actual handing it over to God...that requires work on your part. No one can do it for you. This is something you must do by yourself. You must face yourself, forgive yourself, see yourself for who you are...and then hand it over to God.

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands
Of uncertainty


Jesus will wipe your slate clean in the spiritual...and it will all be gone. But you have to go into your own mind and body and wipe that slate in yourself. You have to let go and forgive yourself. And it may be with uncertain hands that you wipe that slate clean. But you need to do it.

If you hold on to what you've done in your life...you will never get anywhere with God. God will be waiting on you. He's already forgiven you...it's done...you just have to let go of it, too. One of Chris' favorite sayings is "If God has forgiven you, how dare you not forgive yourself".

You have to do it...yes it may be hard and it may take some time. But it is time well spent. Once you are a child of God, filled with His Holy Spirit, your past does not own you. You are free. And freedom means being able to let go. It's ok to let go and tell your past that "you don't own me". It really is.

Now, there are going to be things that you will remember for the rest of your life...I'm not talking about erasing your memory. The key is to not let them hold you back, to let go of them and tell those things..."You no longer own me, I have forgiven myself of this, Jesus has forgiven me of this...and though it may come to mind, it does not control me. I am free in Jesus and these memories will not hold me back".

Being a follower of Jesus is not always easy, it does require some work on our part. It requires you to let go of your past life, hurts, hangups, whatever. That may take time, but like I said, it is time well spent. If you want true freedom...do your part...let go and give 100% to Jesus. (as long as you hold on to those things...you will not be capable of giving 100%...just to let you know)

So, we know we need to...but how do we? For some it is as simple as making up our minds, for others we need a little help and direction. There are many Bible studies, help groups and friends in Jesus who can help us out. Celebrate Recovery is a great program for anyone who can't let go of their past...no matter what is in it. It will take you through the steps of letting go bit by bit. Maybe you just need a one on one partner in this fight...seek out a member of your church, one who is a bit older than you spiritually, and ask for help with this area. This person can pray with you and give you counsel. Work it out physically...get a notebook or a blog and wtite out all these things and that can help you let go. There are many choices to help you with this, just find one that feels right to you, that you are comfortable with...and don't be ashamed or daunted if the first thing you try doesn't work out. Sometimes it takes a few tried to find out what we are comfortable with and what is going to work for us. Remember...no two of us are the same.

I hope this has helped someone in some may...always keep in mind...I'm walking through this too.

A short note on amazement

If you have not read a few entries back...do so. I will sum up until you can read it all. I was out of line...I am now in line. There ya go.

Hmmm...when you line up with God..He will use you. I find things coming out of my mouth that did not filter through my brain first. I am writing things that did not come from my brain. They came from God as He revealed them to me.

It's a little scary...being used this way. It's never really happened to me before...maybe because I never truly embraced who I was in Christ until now and He could not act when I was holding on to doubt. I have this feeling in my chest that I have to share...I have to get it out. I can not hold it in.

I've heard preachers say...out of your mouth will flow living water....yeah, yeah. But I can not keep it in...can not. My way of letting it out is mostly online, through my blog, my Facebook groups and pages and through music. But I tell you if you were to set me up in the Walmart parking lot with a soap box...it would be all over.