Pondering things.

I hate not being able to be open about a situation. It annoys me. But I can be open about me and my issues and struggles. So, it will have to do.

Ever had God kick you in the head? Yeah. Pretending to be someone you are not, even if it is for good reasons, is just not a good thing. When you pretend, you can not reach the people you are supposed to reach. How many people did I pass up while I was pretending? How much damage did I do? I pray that none, I pray that God used another person to reach them when I was not in a place to do my job.

I am not meant to look like the main stream "Christians". I am meant to be the creature in Christ that I am. And show that God's love does not depend on your outward appearance. God does not care what your hair color, style, length is. He doesn't care what you dress like. He doesn't care how many piercings and tattoos you have. He LOVES you. Just as you are. God is worried about your heart and soul. He wants you to spend eternity with Him.

Now, when you finally get your relationship with Jesus and you have Him as your Savior. He may speak to you about things. Maybe you will have convictions on the aforementioned things that are between you and God. And when that happens, that bond and covenant will be powerful. If you make a vow to not cut your hair with God, that has power. However, God does not require that of everyone. From each of us He requires different things. And what God requires of you may change as your relationship progresses. And at each stage..those vows you make and hold to will have power.

What am I supposed to be right now? I am supposed to hold on to what makes me unique. My hair. I am supposed to keep it colored and show people God's love. I am to show them that God can love you...just as you are. I am to reach out to those who connect with me through that uniqueness. For me personally, it is ok to wear jeans, funky shirts, have funky colored hair, get my nails done, wear jewelry....most anything I want to. Of course there are limits. Nothing with foul language or offensive. Shorts, if I wear them out, are to be longer. I choose not to wear make up. I only wear jewelry occasionally.

God loves diversity. He loves color and light and such. If He did not...then why so many different skin tones, so many different eye colors? Freckles? Why did He make so many different flowers and creatures? Because He loves diversity. God made us all different inside and out. No two are the same. Let that sink in...there is no one else like you. You may find people who share certain things in common with you...but no one is entirely like you. I can not grasp the power it takes to make so many people and plants and animals and each on of them different. That is power!! God is powerful enough to create all this diversity...and there is no limit to his perfection.

I have 4 dogs in my house. A black Great Dane. A border collie/aussie shepperd mix. And 2 white boxers. The Boxers are the same type of dog...same breed. But they are nothing alike. Summer is goofy and small and loyal to the end. KC is drooly and loves to be up in your lap and love on you 24 hours a day. Summer loves to cuddle too, but she also likes alone time. Even in dogs...God's diversity is apparent. He took that much care to make even the animals individuals. How much more so are we given that love to be who we are????

All this has been stewing in my head as I tried to work out who I was supposed to be. What was I supposed to look like? What types of vows to God was I to take? I've taken a week ( a serious week, a many months of piddling) and thought on these things. I wondered why my prayer life had been so constricted, why I really couldn't raise my hands in praise. Why I didn't feel God. Then something happened and I decided to die my hair again, back to purple. As first it was a rash decision, but then I got down to some serious talking with God about it. And God said...be you, be who you are. So I did. And there was freedom. I could praise again, and I could love God again and I could pray again. Those barriers were removed when I became who I was supposed to be all along. When I stopped trying to fit into this world's views and just became the person I was meant to be. I had been trying to be normal for good reasons. My husband is now a psstor, pastor's wives don't have purple hair. I tried to fit in. But I only bound my spirit and bound what God could do in my life and what He could do through me.

Sometimes obeying God is not what the world expects of us. Sometime God wants us to do what He wants despite they way the world will look at us. I pray that I keep the strength to follow what God wants me to do. Even when it is hard, and I look different and I feel like I don't fit in.

Real life invades again...

Ah, hello day after Christmas. How I've missed you, old friend. The day when reality comes crashing back in reminding you that you that you are nothing more than a weak human. I am struggling today to remain positive and upbeat. It started with a phone call this morning. I think we have a plan for that situation...so it's taken care of. But never the less the bubble has been shattered. Real life sets in and doesn't let up.

To be honest this has not been my best Christmas. There have been lots of things that have gone on that have made me very sad, very angry and kind of depressed. Selfishness has made an appearance and tromped on both my Christmas eve and Christmas day. I am fighting bitterness over this. My kids came out smiling in the end, but that shadow that was cast over the holiday...it makes me angry. You see, like any parent, I want this time of year to be perfect for my kids. I do not want anything to bother them for those few short days. And this year...it didn't happen. I am very angry about it and trying to deal with it.

My husband was forced to miss Christmas day with our family due to things beyond my control...I'm really ill about that. Forgiveness is hard and I'm not there yet. Chris has had to spend so many Christmas's away from home, due to work...this year he had to opportunity to be here for all of it...and it was taken from him...by selfishness. I hope you can see why I'm angry.

On the bright side of life, the kids got lots of neat gifts. Lots of art supplies to draw and paint with. Cookie makers and sno cone makers and dolls and jewelry and clothes and toys and candy and more and more. Lots of good food, too. My house still looks like a bomb went off and spewed wrapping paper every where...but we'll work on that later.

Right now I'm trying to hold on to the thought that good still exists. That I am loved and wanted and that my family is ok. I'm trying to make it through without snapping and letting all the bad things in my head rush out of my mouth. Lord help me. Maybe I will leave you with a song...

Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Tomorrow is Christmas eve. All through my childhood a night that was more magical than Christmas itself. It is one of my favorite nights of the year. Tomorrow night we celebrate with The Vaughn/Rice clan. Tomorrow will be spent cooking, doing crafts and wrapping last minute gifts. Spent with family close and friends in our hearts.

I'm 35 years old and I'm still not over the magic of Christmas. I never will be. As a child it was full of fun, candy and presents. A kid's dream. As an adult it was full of family and love and good memories. As a Christian it is a time of hope and wonderful reminders that Jesus loved us enough to come to earth. I can't get over it...I hope I never do. The King of Kings came down as a little baby, he went through all we go through...just because He loved us. That means He knows what I feel like when I feel cold and lonely. What I feel like when I see my friends faces after a long time apart. He knows how it feels to not sleep enough. To walk down a dusty road. To read a book. To hug and to care. He knows what it's like to be hungry. All these little things that make us human....He came and experienced them too, just because He loved us. If that does not blow your mind, you need a better mind.

My father preached one of the best sermons I have ever heard this morning. Peace on earth, good will toward men. He told a story of a man who was waiting on Jesus to come and dine with him. And the doorbell rang, and standing there was a ragged man, no shoes and cold. He invited him in, gave him shoes and a warm coat and then the man was on his way. Then, not long later, an old woman was at the door...just looking for a bit of rest. He invited her in and served her food and bade her to rest until she felt strong enough to continue with her journey. She too, left. Then the man heard a small voice asking for help and he opened his door to find a little child who was lost. He took the child home. When he came back, the day was gone and he was disappointing that he had not dined with Jesus. But as he prayed and asked the Lord why He had not come and dined with him, the Lord answered, I did come...in the man with no shoes and the woman looking for rest and the child who was lost. And you cared for me and gave me shoes and rest and showed me the way home. How many times do we do that? We say we do it all the time, but do we really? When someone drops something in Walmart...do we walk on by or do we bend down and pick it up for them? Little things like that make a difference in the lives of others. When you look back on your life it will not be the big things that stand out...but all those little things that seemed very unimportant at the time. Those are the things that make us who we are...those are the fabric of our lives. That is how we show Jesus to others...in the small things. Ripples in a pond always start out small...but they spread. That small ripple will continue to grow until it touches the very edges of the pond. Just as the small kindness you show someone will grow in their heart until it reaches the very core of their soul.

So, as you go through all the magic that is Christmas, remember the small things. Our lives are made up of small things. They grow and make us who we are...they touch every life around us. What do your small things say about you?

So, who am I?

I am not the person I was...that I can tell you. The person I was would snap you in half like a green bean. I would tear you to pieces without a warning. I am no longer that person. I am quieter, more easy going. I am more polite and kinder. I give second, third and even fourth chances. I smile often. I offer kind words in place of the evil I once did. I do what I can to support and uplift. I follow my husband's lead and his voice. I take up his cause and do what I can to further it.

But, I am not a push over. I am not a lap dog. The people that surround me now, do not know this. They have never seen me put my foot down, there has never been a need to, until now. All they have known is the easy going wife, who helps where she can.

The line was drawn for our little couple and not even 24 hours later a phone call to me to help with a little party. Fine, but did you take care of the business you need to yet? Did you hold to your end of the bargain? No??? Then we have a problem. And when I put my foot down, the whining and blame began. The accusations that I was being unfair and siding with the wrong party. It was like talking to one of my kids instead of an adult. Bottom line...you have unfinished business. You have NO business throwing a fancy party until that first thing is taken care of. Period. End of story. Be an adult and take care of your business. Then you can play. That's how the rest of us do it...time for you to step up into the world of responsibility.

That was my day today...only the entire thing was carried out in text messages. Which have been safely saved and emailed to those who need to know what is going on. Ah, I love the holidays...

It's beginning to look a lot like...chaos

Between not sleeping and being sick...I am feeling like the dreaded zombie. I hate zombies. I would just about kill for a good night's sleep. Attie is still snoozing with me, which makes for bruising napping...not sleep. She is recovering from having her tonsils out a few days ago. She is doing well, griping about not being able to play and trying to dodge taking her medicine. Totally my kid.

KC has joined the household again....a miraculous thing. A stranger showed up a few days ago with him in his car...most bizarre thing ever. He smells like a skunk and I still have not been able to get rid of that smell, but he's home and fitting right in. I think that's about it for this little blurb...see ya.

I have a new title

Though some have considered me a ministers wife for some time, the title is now official. Chris is now a legal pastor, minister, whatever you would like to call it. I am so proud of him!!! I can't wait to see what God does through him! I know it will be great, because so far it has all been good. Chris has been such a tool in so many people's lives this past year and a half, I can't begin to tell you. So many have seen Jesus through his ministry, I am so proud of him and what he does.

And what does Chris do? I guess the official announcement is severely overdue. Chris is the Education Director for Red Letter Missions, among other titles. Right now and for the past year he has been the Director of New Hope at New Life, a ministry that helps those people who need to overcome addictions and personal hang ups in their lives. He teaches ACTS, which is a NA/AA type class, Celebrate Recovery and several other classes.

So, I am an official minister's wife. This freaks me out a bit, because I do not feel I am that caliber of person. I measure myself against my mother, who by all accounts, is the best minister's wife I know. I feel like a little baby, when compared with all these other ladies I see. But the point is not to compare myself, as I am prone to do, but to support Chris in his ministry and live my life in a way that shows Jesus is Lord. The Stacey of 18 months ago does not exist anymore, I have been born again and the focus of my life is my Lord. I feel very blessed to be married to Chris, who even when times were black, never gave up on me.

The future holds many things for us, I am sure. Red Letter Missions will provide more excitement that I can keep up with I am also sure. I feel very lucky to be a part of it all and I can't wait to get to Kentucky and start working. Patience is a very hard thing...by the way. Chris and I plan to be in Kentucky in 2014, so that gives us a year to finish up our work here and prepare. I'm ticking off the days...

If you'd like to follow RLM you can do so on Facebook and you can visit our website at www.redlettermissions.org. Have a blessed day!!

So, how much can the average human take?

It seems the only way I can catch a break is to fall down a flight of stairs. I have always heard that "God will not put more on you than you can bear". I can even back this up in scripture.

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

However, today this does not make me feel better. Why? Because I am wondering how much I can take and how much I will be asked to take. I just got a call from the doctor's office that the CT I had last week showed a nodule in my lung. I am being sent to a specialist to check on this new development. Now this could all be nothing or this could be terrifyingly life threatening. At this point, it all looks bad to me because I do not have enough information. I do know that any nodule anywhere is generally a not so good thing. Nodules are not normal, they are growths that occur when something goes wrong. So, is the thing that went wrong a little benign rapid growth or cancer? I can not answer that yet. I have never really been a smoker and have generally tried to stay away from smoke...so for me to have lung cancer would really be ironic.

However, this is not the only thing going on in my life...here let me run the list down for you: My uncle just died. I'm behind in my schoolwork. My psych office just kicked me out because I don't have money to pay my copays. I can not find a new doctor to prescribe my medicines. My father is in poor health. My mother is in poor health. And various other things I should not mention in mixed company. I feel overwhelmed, yet in the middle of it all there is calmness in me. And that only comes from God. But still, I wonder, how much more is coming??? How much more will I be required to walk through. I am tired and distracted and in need of a little sanity, but there is none on my horizon.

It would not be fair not to mention the good things that are happening too...Chris has a possible job and he is subbing and applying to sub at various school systems. My kids are healthy and happy. I have not lost my home. I have not lost my van. So things could definately be worse. Anyway, that's the update for today....