Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Therapy Session 1

So, I mentioned last time that I had changed.  That is very true.  In the time I've spent away from my blog, I've almost become a different person in more than one aspect.  I've learned a few new things, had somethings reinforced and changed my views on quite a lot.  There is nothing like working for a "mission" to give you a good cold dose of reality.  I have come to the conclusion that the modern day church is nothing more than a false prophet.  A pit of vipers if you will.  Now, this certainly does not go for every single church out there...that would be silly.  No, I mean as a collective the church of today is not concerned with helping people so much as building large buildings, holding fancy ceremonies, and making sure they look really good to actually help anyone.  In the past 4 years it has been my unfortunate experience that the church really like my talents and my willingness to help others...and those churches have exploited it, in one case coming close to actually killing me.  (No, that is not an exaggeration...medically I was in quite a pickle...it was not good.)
These "organizations" loved that I had a big heart, I could sing, I was good with kids, I could do photography and such.  They loved it so much they constantly asked me to do all sorts of things, far more than should have been asked.  And, in one case, while they were busy taking from me...they actually wanted me to pay them money...even though other volunteers were given discounts and such for their work...I was not.  Yeah.  Go figure.
You see....somewhere a few thousand years ago this guy went around and he tried to get people to be nice to each other and help each other.  That was what I wanted to do...help, because in my own life I had felt helpless.  I was a sucker.  And I'm sure you can see I am still not happy about it...but this is what the blog is for.  It's here for me to work through this and find my way back to me.  The me I want to be.
I've seen that "churches" will use the threat of hell over and over again...fear mongering.  At this point in my life I have no fear of hell.  There was a time when I did, but after living through what I have, hell is here on earth.  I don't fear anything that might happen after I'm dead.  It the things that can happen while I'm alive that bother me.  However, it is very easy to keep your sheep in place if you constantly remind them that they will be damned for doing bad things...things that you say are bad.  Because, folks, if you didn't know...those people lie.  Don't believe me...READ IT FOR YOURSELF.  Seriously, get the big book of everything and read it.  If it is not mentioned over and over and on a consistent basis...yeah...that's not  damnable offense.  You see the book also has this dude's words in red...so it is really easy to see what he said.  Most of the crap that people say he said was important...yeah...he didn't say it.  In fact, those people don't know that because they didn't read it either, they relied on what someone else told them.  Yeah...no.  If you want to work out what you believe...don't listen to anything a human tells you...including me...go and research and find it out for yourself.

Ok...I'm a little worn after this first one...so I'm gonna go now.  I've gotten this poison out of my system and now I need to take time to step back and evaluate.  I'm sure there will be more to come.
Ta for now...

Friday, March 10, 2017

Another Long Absence and Interesting News

Hello all, a lot has happened since I last posted, but it's time for an update.  As you know, or maybe not if you are visiting this blog for the first time, this is where I started sharing my journey through life so many years ago.  At times I have posted quite often and at times posts have been few and far in between.  It's just how life goes.  After so long, I feel the need to use this tool to help me through some things again, and maybe it might help others who are also out in the world.

I won't lie, sometimes things on this blog get rough and real.  I may cuss, I may say things you don't like or believe, that's why there is a warning before you read the blog.  This is my personal journey, my personal feelings.  This is a place where I can let it out, say what I want and such.  It's a good therapy tool to help me clear my head and make sense of things when I can't see them clearly at all.  It's all that and nothing more.  I share this simply because I've lived this life and know that others may find a sense of not being alone by reading it, as I have often found when I read things from others.  It's nice to know that you are not the only one in life who feels a given way or that sometimes other people have situations like the one you may find yourself in.

Since I am bringing it back, I will (of course) be doing a bit of housekeeping and redesigning, if you've read before you will not be surprised...I like pretty things.  And also glitter.

Just to get the bare bones out of the way:

I no longer live in Kentucky.  I am now back home in Alabama and that journey is still very painful for me.  I have a lot of lingering issues over it and I'm sure I'll address it in due time.  I have recently found out that my diagnosis of several mental illnesses was likely wrong and it is highly possible that for my entire life I have had a seizure disorder, again, I will address this in coming posts.  I have also learned some painful lessons that you will see reflected here on the "religious" aspect of life.  More on that later too.

So, to recap, I've moved, my entire life has been turned upside down and nothing is in any way remotely the same as it was before.  I hope that anyone reading this blog will find that they are not alone and that hope can be found in the funniest places, but it may be dark for a while...for as I've said...things have been bad.  TTFN and I'll see you later.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Cardinal Singers Tour

Well, I'm back from a world wind adventure with the Cardinal Singers!  We had a blast!  We went to Missouri, Kansas, Arkansas, Mississippi and Tennessee.  Those kids put on amazing performances every stop!  Even though we had some kids who got sick, they never slacked a bit...I'm so proud of them!

I met a lot of great people, spent time with a lot of my fav kiddos, and saw some wonderful places.  I am so glad Mark allowed me to go with them on this tour.  It was such a blessing.  These kids are living out their faith everyday and none of them are afraid to proclaim the name of Jesus!  It just adds to the the blessings I get from being allowed to be here at Red Bird.  I am so thankful to be here, so thankful to be working with the adults and kids who call Red Bird home.  It's more than I ever dreamed.  I am truly blessed!


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Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Ready to go

I am ready to be in Alabama for a bit!  We are leaving after school tomorrow and I am watching the clock, trying to make it go faster.  That is the hardest thing for me, being away from my parents.  If I could get them to move up here with me, I totally would.  Other than that it's great.

We have had a visit from our good friend Laurie and her kids...and that has been awesome!  It's been so good to hang out with them and just have some time together.  I'm looking forward to the summer when we will get to see them more!

I guess that is it...I just wanted to whine about how much I miss my mom and da...bye!

Thursday, March 26, 2015

I took some time off...

2 years off, to be exact.  No biggie.  I've had various projects on and off, but it's time to get back to basics. This blog has chronicled my struggle with mental illness along with various other things in my life, and that will remain true.  In this blog I will continue to speak truthfully and openly, that is why you see an "adult content" warning on my blog.  Sometimes life gets real and I try to stay real right along with it.  So welcome back to my reality.

What's happened in the past 2 years?  Last I left I was back in church, I was still human, etc.  I'm still human, still in church...and living in a different state.  Yeah, I typed that.  Chris finished his math degree and less than 4 months later we were living in Kentucky.  Sometimes life happens very fast.  Chris works for Red Bird Christian School, teaching math and science for the 7th and 8th grade.  I volunteer at the school and do whatever they ask me to.  I've adopted a large number of kids or maybe they've adopted me...either way.

I miss my parents like crazy, but I know we are where we are meant to be and that helps a lot.  I've made a lot of new friends up here.  I'm trying to wrap my head around this sport with the hoop and the round ball that they play up here...it's strange.  I live in quite possibly the prettiest place on earth, right inside the Daniel Boone National Forest.  On a clear night I can see every star in the sky, I can hear every frog nearby.  I live 30 minutes away from the nearest town.  It's 20 minutes from my house to the nearest gas station.  I love it.  We live on campus at the mission and the kids have friends to hang out with and a safe place to be.  Have I mentioned I love it here?  Well, I do.

Well, that's my I've been missing forever and now I'm back post...hope you enjoyed it!

Friday, March 22, 2013

The Spring Blahs????

I have been feeling really down here lately.  I just feel like the world is out to get me. Like everyone thinks I'm worthless.  It seems like everywhere I turn, people seem to be pointing out my faults.  It's been a rough week or so.  I thought this was supposed to happen in winter?  I guess that it's more proof that I am not normal.

I feel like screaming, but at the same time, I wonder if it's even worth it.  What happened to the me who was confident and happy?  Ugh.  I should be sleeping right now...but no, I'm not.  Every time I closed my eyes I hear those voices telling me how worthless I am.  I kinda feel like I've hit the bottom of the barrel and it's a long way up again.  And it's a really tiring journey and I'm really tired and what I really want is just to rest.

I'm in one of those places where I wonder, why?  Why me?  Why now?  And all those other questions that go along with that train of thought.  I'm beyond tired of being so worn thin.  I want a break....any break.  Just  one thing to go right for a change.  Just one.  I want to know where I'm going on this journey and I want some solid ground to stand on and I want to know that it will be ok in the end.  I find myself short on faith right now...I find myself short on a lot of things right now.  I just want some answers.  I've been walking in this fog for so long...it drains every ounce of energy I have.  I want a glimpse of where I am headed.

I feel very human right now.  Very alone.  I know it won't last forever, but it does seem that way right now.
Here is a song I often listen to in times like these...It helps me move on again...

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Coming Undone

Coming Undone by Korn

Keep holding on when my brain's ticking like a bomb
Guess the black thoughts have come and came to get me
Sweet bitter words unlike nothing I have heard
Sing along, mockingbird, you don't affect me

That's right
Deliver it to my heart
Please strike
Be deliberate

Wait, I'm coming undone
Irate, I'm coming undone
Too late, I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate
Wait, I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate

Choke, choke again, I thought my demons were my friends
Pity me in the end, they're out to get me
Since I was young I tasted sorrow on my tongue
And this sweet sugar gun does not protect me
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net ]


That's right
Trigger between my eyes
Please strike
Make it quick now

Wait, I'm coming undone
Irate, I'm coming undone
Too late, I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate
Wait, I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate

I'm
trying to hold it together
head is lighter than a feather
looks like I'm not getting better
not getting better

Wait, I'm coming undone
Irate, I'm coming undone
Too late, I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate
Wait, I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate

_______________________________________________________________

I love this song.  And to some people that may seem odd...but let's look at it from my perspective.  I have a Mental Illness....yes, God has seen fit to heal my mind and I don't have near the issues I once did...but I still have a Mental Illness.  I still place myself in that category...I am still one of  us.  It's like anything else in life, there is a bond there.  

And this song is about going crazy.  Pure and simple.  I wish I had Jonathan Davis' talent for putting all my pain into words like this.  I relate to him...because he and I are of the same kind.  So I relate to this song.  I know what this song is about.  This song is for me.

For someone with a sound mind, that is a terror inducing statement.  But for those of us who know...that song is a release.  It let's the evil out of your head and relieves the pain.  It's comforting.

Many of you who read this blog, only know the Stacey who is presented to the world.  You've seen very little of the real me.  I feel that the real me is a dark and dangerous thing.  It takes a ton of effort to walk in the normal world sometimes for people like me.  It drains your strength.  That is why most of us do a little something called "isolating".  We remove ourselves from most situations.  Stay home, go places alone.  It's easier that way.  You end up having more energy.  We also don't sleep well...so that doesn't help the energy situation.

Now, in the past year, I have made real progress.  I often enjoy the company of others and smiles come more easily.  I often seek out companionship on my own...with out prodding.  I have even taken to friending old high school-mates and seeing what their lives have been like.  I'm growing.  I see more light than dark these days and my soul is lighter.  I am a fairly happy person and a fairly normal person.  I am very appreciative of what I have.

But always in my mind is the thought of what could be.  The darkness is always there, partly disturbing, partly comforting in some ways.  Some days it scares the snot out of me and some days I don't mind it at all.  Like I said, I'm getting better.  If only my temper would even out...I might pass for normal.

That being said...I will always find comfort in Korn's music...I know how the mind that wrote it works and that is comforting to me.  I think people feel that this music is evil and hate filled.  But it's really just someone's reality.  It's really just a lot of people's reality.  

Anyway...enjoy your weekend....be full of light and hope.  Enjoy your good health and good friends.