Thursday, July 16, 2009
I've been fighting the feeling that I want to go back into the hospital. I've been feeling more and more pressure to just escape. I'm not dealing with the real world very well right now. Not having a therapist is making it much harder to deal than I ever thought it would. But that pissy 30 minutes a month was something that really helped. Every day it is getting harder and harder. It's like wading through water that keeps getting deeper and deeper. At first it's easy to walk through it, but as it gets higher it gets harder and you get slower. It just seems like I'm alone in all this. One broken mind among all these normal minds. If you look at the numbers, I know there are more like me out there....hiding it seems. I want to be with people like me, people who understand and who can talk and laugh about it and who don't get all nervous around you. I'm tired of being surrounded by people who don't understand what's in my head. Which leads me back to the hospital thing...people in there understand. People in there know what it's like, they know how it feels, they understand. I need to be understood. I need to be around people like me. So, that brings me to what's bugging me...trying to stay out of the hospital and get on with life in the normal world. I'm tired, I need a break. I need a few days where I can just take my brain off the hook and let it rest. It's hard work being among normal people. I have to concentrate on just being normal, appearing normal. Everything that comes out of my mouth I have to think about twice. Everything I see I have to think about 5 times just to make sure it's real. All this takes energy. Energy that I am running out of right now. Even sitting here typing this I have to think and think about what I want to say. What I want to type, I have to filter it. I have to filter everything. And things that normally get filtered in a normal mind, don't get filtered in my mind...It takes an actual thought. I created this blog to show people what it's like to be in a fractured mind....well this is part of it. Exhaustion is part of it...I have to hide what's wrong with me. I have to smile and do what is expected of me and it gets tiring. Well, I think that's all I have energy for right now. I know I've repeated myself at some point in this rambling...but I'll just have to live with that.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Well, Kae had a complete melt down in karate yesterday. I ended up having to drag her, kicking and screaming, out the door and pick her up and force her into the van. I was afraid the police were going to show up and arrest me. She is in so much trouble. She's grounded until school starts. And still not sure what her karate teacher is going to do, I just hope she doesn't get kicked out. Well, anyways, after all that drama I get home and there is a baby robin that the puppies are trying to paw to death. So, I pick it up and bring it in and we are taking care of it. So, now it looks like I will have a robin cause we are not sure if we can release it and it live. And if I'm going to all of this trouble I want the thing to live. That is where things stand here...all drama and such.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
People are walking through my kitchen. People who are not really there. It's been a few days now that this has been happening and it's getting on my nerves. I can't see the doctor until the 7th and heaven knows when I'll be seeing a therapist as they have not hired a new one yet. If you ever thought you could get quality mental health care...you can't. Mental health is so over looked and underfunded that I'm lucky I even have a center within driving distance. And still it sucks, I've had 3 therapists since I started there 7 months ago and now I'm without a therapist cause the last one quit. I've got imaginary people walking through my kitchen, my house is a hell hole because I'm burying myself in my computer to avoid the hallucinations. I can't keep up. This is the point where my mind becomes different from other people's minds. This is how it differs and it's a biggie. I still go on and do what I can. I can tell the difference in my house as to what is real and what is not...that's easy. It's out in the real world that I have trouble. I don't know if the person that walks up to me in WalMart is real or imaginary. So I go around with a scowl on my face because I'm thinking so hard trying to figure it out and people stare at me wondering why I'm so pissed off. In reality, I'm not pissed off....I'm just trying to get through without talking to someone who's not there and thereby causing people to stare at me even more. And you thought you hated WalMart. I have to resolve to do better, tho. I have to come out of the computer a little more each day and make myself face what is happening. Chris got so pissed at me tonight when I finally told him what's going on because I had not told him before. This is the point where I begin to feel alone. I feel cut off from the real world and it's a dangerous time. It's this time that I am most in danger of being put back in a hospital...so I clam up and don't say anything. Which ends up getting me in bigger trouble. Vicious cycle. Well, that's what's on my mind and what I'm doing now. Fun, eh?