Friday, October 26, 2012

Just hanging on

Not much to update. I feel a little better today. Still have no answers. I have more problems than I can deal with and it's not going to get any better, but at least I'm breathing. I think that's all I can say today...

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

I'm having a bad day

It's been a horrible week and it's only Tuesday. I feel like I'm as low as I can get right now. I just feel crushed beneath all this weight. Everybody says to hang on, but I've hung on till my nails are much longer do I have to hang here in limbo? Everybody says, God will not give you more than you can handle...well, thanks for the advice, but you are not living in my circumstance. It's easy to say those words when you have a job and some income and a little money to put gas in your car. When I say I don't have any's not a figure of speech. I've been depending on other people to put gas in my van for months. Other people have been paying my bills, so my power didn't get cut off. I am out of resources, I'm at the bottom of the barrel, I have no where else to go. Literally. Everytime I turn my head, something else is coming at me and I can not keep up anymore. I really wanna say that I have hope left, but I don't feel like I do. Maybe it's there and I just don't know it. I am sick and tired of being the well dressed version of a street bum, I know bums who have more than I have. Just one good thing is all I'm asking...just one.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

More reflection...

I have had time to reflect on my last post and realized it was misleading. I do not feel that way about all of my family, not at all. There are just certain parts of it that are, what you would call fake. Most of my family are good folk who care about people. Anyway...blogging to correct a previous

Monday, October 15, 2012

Letting go...

Chris has this saying, about when we hold on to things that are toxic to us and don't hand them over to God. He says we keep it because it's pretty, and shiny and it's mine. I always laughed at that saying, never really seeing myself one to hold onto something "toxic". And then it hit me, I was holding on to something. I was holding on to an idea. The idea that certain people in my life, though I didn't see them but maybe 2 times a year, really deep down were good people and loved me. I was wrong. In reality those people look down on my family (Chris, the kids and I) and see us as a burden and a bother. These people should be supportive of my family, but they are not...they are too much in the world. This realization hurt me really deeply, these are people I have spent my entire life with, who are supposed to love me...and in reality, they don't even care for me, much less care about me.

If you have not guessed already I am talking about the majority of my family. Risky, putting this side of my feelings out there, but I honestly don't think any one of them will ever read this, and I'm tired of lying to myself and the world. I always thought of my family as close. But it's not. There are little clicks who are close...but I am not included in any of those. I'm not cool, I'm not successful at what is deemed popular. I am {now} a Jesus Freak, Stay at home mother, school teacher and all around guru of things that make my children both smile and cringe. I am embarking on a new phase in my life as a home missionary as well. And it slowly dawned on me that these are not popular things to be in my family. I am, in just about every sense, the black sheep of the family.

This is what I was not letting go of. I was holding it, playing with it, letting it breed fear and resentment in my heart, letting it separate me from God. Until yesterday. And I really didn't wanna deal with it yesterday, I was even going to skip church. But, in the end, I couldn't do that, and I did deal with it all and just gave it all to God. All that was so broken and trampled in my life, I gave to Him. I feel better, there is still a little sadness in me. I always thought my family was perfect. And it sucks to realize that it's not. But I do have people who love me.

In my time at New Life, I have gained a new family that loves me for who I am. Even when my hair is blue, they are not ashamed to call me a sister. They love me for who I am, unconditionally. That is a great comfort to me. I don't have to pretend or play nice...I can just be who God made me to be and that is ok. I guess that's all the time I have for now...peace be with you!!

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

A mixed up day

I've had a day with ups and downs. Went to the doctor today for some symptoms that I've been having for about 1 month. Found out that I may have uterine polyps, so I get to have a hysteroscopy and a D&C with possible ablation and polyp removal on the 29th. Ok, I can handle that. It was also noticed that I have a 1cm nodule in my right breast...I get to have a mammogram for that tomorrow. I don't know what to think about that, I've had fibroids all my life and had not noticed any changes I'm a little worried, but not much so...just gonna wait and see what the results show. I also learned that I am seriously anemic. This would contribute to my lack of energy and the breathless feeling I get sometimes. So tomorrow after all my testing, I'm off to shop for a good multiviatamin with iron in it.

Now that is all the bad. Now on to the better. I've been itching to have another child for years now, but I had my tubes tied after the disaster known as my pregnancy with Attie. I've been wanting to have that reversed. Well, after some serious thought and serious talks with the hubby...I have some good news. Chris does not object to having more children, he just objects to me dying. So, we have decided that we will look into adoption when we settle down in Kentucky in a few years. That gives us time to get back to stable as far as finances go and time to learn all we need to do and take all the classes we need to take to adopt. This makes me so happy, up until now I thought Chris was dead set against more children...but turns out he's just dead set against anything that would hurt me. And admittedly, me being pregnant is not a very healthy option...I tend to get very sick and spend alot of time in the hospital. I will have it known that Attie was totally worth it though!!!! She was worth every nightmarish minute of it!!!

So that was my day in a nut shell....a little good and a little not so good.