Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Real life invades again...

Ah, hello day after Christmas. How I've missed you, old friend. The day when reality comes crashing back in reminding you that you that you are nothing more than a weak human. I am struggling today to remain positive and upbeat. It started with a phone call this morning. I think we have a plan for that it's taken care of. But never the less the bubble has been shattered. Real life sets in and doesn't let up.

To be honest this has not been my best Christmas. There have been lots of things that have gone on that have made me very sad, very angry and kind of depressed. Selfishness has made an appearance and tromped on both my Christmas eve and Christmas day. I am fighting bitterness over this. My kids came out smiling in the end, but that shadow that was cast over the makes me angry. You see, like any parent, I want this time of year to be perfect for my kids. I do not want anything to bother them for those few short days. And this didn't happen. I am very angry about it and trying to deal with it.

My husband was forced to miss Christmas day with our family due to things beyond my control...I'm really ill about that. Forgiveness is hard and I'm not there yet. Chris has had to spend so many Christmas's away from home, due to work...this year he had to opportunity to be here for all of it...and it was taken from selfishness. I hope you can see why I'm angry.

On the bright side of life, the kids got lots of neat gifts. Lots of art supplies to draw and paint with. Cookie makers and sno cone makers and dolls and jewelry and clothes and toys and candy and more and more. Lots of good food, too. My house still looks like a bomb went off and spewed wrapping paper every where...but we'll work on that later.

Right now I'm trying to hold on to the thought that good still exists. That I am loved and wanted and that my family is ok. I'm trying to make it through without snapping and letting all the bad things in my head rush out of my mouth. Lord help me. Maybe I will leave you with a song...

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Tomorrow is Christmas eve. All through my childhood a night that was more magical than Christmas itself. It is one of my favorite nights of the year. Tomorrow night we celebrate with The Vaughn/Rice clan. Tomorrow will be spent cooking, doing crafts and wrapping last minute gifts. Spent with family close and friends in our hearts.

I'm 35 years old and I'm still not over the magic of Christmas. I never will be. As a child it was full of fun, candy and presents. A kid's dream. As an adult it was full of family and love and good memories. As a Christian it is a time of hope and wonderful reminders that Jesus loved us enough to come to earth. I can't get over it...I hope I never do. The King of Kings came down as a little baby, he went through all we go through...just because He loved us. That means He knows what I feel like when I feel cold and lonely. What I feel like when I see my friends faces after a long time apart. He knows how it feels to not sleep enough. To walk down a dusty road. To read a book. To hug and to care. He knows what it's like to be hungry. All these little things that make us human....He came and experienced them too, just because He loved us. If that does not blow your mind, you need a better mind.

My father preached one of the best sermons I have ever heard this morning. Peace on earth, good will toward men. He told a story of a man who was waiting on Jesus to come and dine with him. And the doorbell rang, and standing there was a ragged man, no shoes and cold. He invited him in, gave him shoes and a warm coat and then the man was on his way. Then, not long later, an old woman was at the door...just looking for a bit of rest. He invited her in and served her food and bade her to rest until she felt strong enough to continue with her journey. She too, left. Then the man heard a small voice asking for help and he opened his door to find a little child who was lost. He took the child home. When he came back, the day was gone and he was disappointing that he had not dined with Jesus. But as he prayed and asked the Lord why He had not come and dined with him, the Lord answered, I did the man with no shoes and the woman looking for rest and the child who was lost. And you cared for me and gave me shoes and rest and showed me the way home. How many times do we do that? We say we do it all the time, but do we really? When someone drops something in we walk on by or do we bend down and pick it up for them? Little things like that make a difference in the lives of others. When you look back on your life it will not be the big things that stand out...but all those little things that seemed very unimportant at the time. Those are the things that make us who we are...those are the fabric of our lives. That is how we show Jesus to the small things. Ripples in a pond always start out small...but they spread. That small ripple will continue to grow until it touches the very edges of the pond. Just as the small kindness you show someone will grow in their heart until it reaches the very core of their soul.

So, as you go through all the magic that is Christmas, remember the small things. Our lives are made up of small things. They grow and make us who we are...they touch every life around us. What do your small things say about you?

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

So, who am I?

I am not the person I was...that I can tell you. The person I was would snap you in half like a green bean. I would tear you to pieces without a warning. I am no longer that person. I am quieter, more easy going. I am more polite and kinder. I give second, third and even fourth chances. I smile often. I offer kind words in place of the evil I once did. I do what I can to support and uplift. I follow my husband's lead and his voice. I take up his cause and do what I can to further it.

But, I am not a push over. I am not a lap dog. The people that surround me now, do not know this. They have never seen me put my foot down, there has never been a need to, until now. All they have known is the easy going wife, who helps where she can.

The line was drawn for our little couple and not even 24 hours later a phone call to me to help with a little party. Fine, but did you take care of the business you need to yet? Did you hold to your end of the bargain? No??? Then we have a problem. And when I put my foot down, the whining and blame began. The accusations that I was being unfair and siding with the wrong party. It was like talking to one of my kids instead of an adult. Bottom have unfinished business. You have NO business throwing a fancy party until that first thing is taken care of. Period. End of story. Be an adult and take care of your business. Then you can play. That's how the rest of us do it...time for you to step up into the world of responsibility.

That was my day today...only the entire thing was carried out in text messages. Which have been safely saved and emailed to those who need to know what is going on. Ah, I love the holidays...

Friday, November 30, 2012

It's beginning to look a lot like...chaos

Between not sleeping and being sick...I am feeling like the dreaded zombie. I hate zombies. I would just about kill for a good night's sleep. Attie is still snoozing with me, which makes for bruising napping...not sleep. She is recovering from having her tonsils out a few days ago. She is doing well, griping about not being able to play and trying to dodge taking her medicine. Totally my kid.

KC has joined the household again....a miraculous thing. A stranger showed up a few days ago with him in his car...most bizarre thing ever. He smells like a skunk and I still have not been able to get rid of that smell, but he's home and fitting right in. I think that's about it for this little blurb...see ya.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

I have a new title

Though some have considered me a ministers wife for some time, the title is now official. Chris is now a legal pastor, minister, whatever you would like to call it. I am so proud of him!!! I can't wait to see what God does through him! I know it will be great, because so far it has all been good. Chris has been such a tool in so many people's lives this past year and a half, I can't begin to tell you. So many have seen Jesus through his ministry, I am so proud of him and what he does.

And what does Chris do? I guess the official announcement is severely overdue. Chris is the Education Director for Red Letter Missions, among other titles. Right now and for the past year he has been the Director of New Hope at New Life, a ministry that helps those people who need to overcome addictions and personal hang ups in their lives. He teaches ACTS, which is a NA/AA type class, Celebrate Recovery and several other classes.

So, I am an official minister's wife. This freaks me out a bit, because I do not feel I am that caliber of person. I measure myself against my mother, who by all accounts, is the best minister's wife I know. I feel like a little baby, when compared with all these other ladies I see. But the point is not to compare myself, as I am prone to do, but to support Chris in his ministry and live my life in a way that shows Jesus is Lord. The Stacey of 18 months ago does not exist anymore, I have been born again and the focus of my life is my Lord. I feel very blessed to be married to Chris, who even when times were black, never gave up on me.

The future holds many things for us, I am sure. Red Letter Missions will provide more excitement that I can keep up with I am also sure. I feel very lucky to be a part of it all and I can't wait to get to Kentucky and start working. Patience is a very hard the way. Chris and I plan to be in Kentucky in 2014, so that gives us a year to finish up our work here and prepare. I'm ticking off the days...

If you'd like to follow RLM you can do so on Facebook and you can visit our website at Have a blessed day!!

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

So, how much can the average human take?

It seems the only way I can catch a break is to fall down a flight of stairs. I have always heard that "God will not put more on you than you can bear". I can even back this up in scripture.

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

However, today this does not make me feel better. Why? Because I am wondering how much I can take and how much I will be asked to take. I just got a call from the doctor's office that the CT I had last week showed a nodule in my lung. I am being sent to a specialist to check on this new development. Now this could all be nothing or this could be terrifyingly life threatening. At this point, it all looks bad to me because I do not have enough information. I do know that any nodule anywhere is generally a not so good thing. Nodules are not normal, they are growths that occur when something goes wrong. So, is the thing that went wrong a little benign rapid growth or cancer? I can not answer that yet. I have never really been a smoker and have generally tried to stay away from for me to have lung cancer would really be ironic.

However, this is not the only thing going on in my let me run the list down for you: My uncle just died. I'm behind in my schoolwork. My psych office just kicked me out because I don't have money to pay my copays. I can not find a new doctor to prescribe my medicines. My father is in poor health. My mother is in poor health. And various other things I should not mention in mixed company. I feel overwhelmed, yet in the middle of it all there is calmness in me. And that only comes from God. But still, I wonder, how much more is coming??? How much more will I be required to walk through. I am tired and distracted and in need of a little sanity, but there is none on my horizon.

It would not be fair not to mention the good things that are happening too...Chris has a possible job and he is subbing and applying to sub at various school systems. My kids are healthy and happy. I have not lost my home. I have not lost my van. So things could definately be worse. Anyway, that's the update for today....

Friday, October 26, 2012

Just hanging on

Not much to update. I feel a little better today. Still have no answers. I have more problems than I can deal with and it's not going to get any better, but at least I'm breathing. I think that's all I can say today...

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

I'm having a bad day

It's been a horrible week and it's only Tuesday. I feel like I'm as low as I can get right now. I just feel crushed beneath all this weight. Everybody says to hang on, but I've hung on till my nails are much longer do I have to hang here in limbo? Everybody says, God will not give you more than you can handle...well, thanks for the advice, but you are not living in my circumstance. It's easy to say those words when you have a job and some income and a little money to put gas in your car. When I say I don't have any's not a figure of speech. I've been depending on other people to put gas in my van for months. Other people have been paying my bills, so my power didn't get cut off. I am out of resources, I'm at the bottom of the barrel, I have no where else to go. Literally. Everytime I turn my head, something else is coming at me and I can not keep up anymore. I really wanna say that I have hope left, but I don't feel like I do. Maybe it's there and I just don't know it. I am sick and tired of being the well dressed version of a street bum, I know bums who have more than I have. Just one good thing is all I'm asking...just one.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

More reflection...

I have had time to reflect on my last post and realized it was misleading. I do not feel that way about all of my family, not at all. There are just certain parts of it that are, what you would call fake. Most of my family are good folk who care about people. Anyway...blogging to correct a previous

Monday, October 15, 2012

Letting go...

Chris has this saying, about when we hold on to things that are toxic to us and don't hand them over to God. He says we keep it because it's pretty, and shiny and it's mine. I always laughed at that saying, never really seeing myself one to hold onto something "toxic". And then it hit me, I was holding on to something. I was holding on to an idea. The idea that certain people in my life, though I didn't see them but maybe 2 times a year, really deep down were good people and loved me. I was wrong. In reality those people look down on my family (Chris, the kids and I) and see us as a burden and a bother. These people should be supportive of my family, but they are not...they are too much in the world. This realization hurt me really deeply, these are people I have spent my entire life with, who are supposed to love me...and in reality, they don't even care for me, much less care about me.

If you have not guessed already I am talking about the majority of my family. Risky, putting this side of my feelings out there, but I honestly don't think any one of them will ever read this, and I'm tired of lying to myself and the world. I always thought of my family as close. But it's not. There are little clicks who are close...but I am not included in any of those. I'm not cool, I'm not successful at what is deemed popular. I am {now} a Jesus Freak, Stay at home mother, school teacher and all around guru of things that make my children both smile and cringe. I am embarking on a new phase in my life as a home missionary as well. And it slowly dawned on me that these are not popular things to be in my family. I am, in just about every sense, the black sheep of the family.

This is what I was not letting go of. I was holding it, playing with it, letting it breed fear and resentment in my heart, letting it separate me from God. Until yesterday. And I really didn't wanna deal with it yesterday, I was even going to skip church. But, in the end, I couldn't do that, and I did deal with it all and just gave it all to God. All that was so broken and trampled in my life, I gave to Him. I feel better, there is still a little sadness in me. I always thought my family was perfect. And it sucks to realize that it's not. But I do have people who love me.

In my time at New Life, I have gained a new family that loves me for who I am. Even when my hair is blue, they are not ashamed to call me a sister. They love me for who I am, unconditionally. That is a great comfort to me. I don't have to pretend or play nice...I can just be who God made me to be and that is ok. I guess that's all the time I have for now...peace be with you!!

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

A mixed up day

I've had a day with ups and downs. Went to the doctor today for some symptoms that I've been having for about 1 month. Found out that I may have uterine polyps, so I get to have a hysteroscopy and a D&C with possible ablation and polyp removal on the 29th. Ok, I can handle that. It was also noticed that I have a 1cm nodule in my right breast...I get to have a mammogram for that tomorrow. I don't know what to think about that, I've had fibroids all my life and had not noticed any changes I'm a little worried, but not much so...just gonna wait and see what the results show. I also learned that I am seriously anemic. This would contribute to my lack of energy and the breathless feeling I get sometimes. So tomorrow after all my testing, I'm off to shop for a good multiviatamin with iron in it.

Now that is all the bad. Now on to the better. I've been itching to have another child for years now, but I had my tubes tied after the disaster known as my pregnancy with Attie. I've been wanting to have that reversed. Well, after some serious thought and serious talks with the hubby...I have some good news. Chris does not object to having more children, he just objects to me dying. So, we have decided that we will look into adoption when we settle down in Kentucky in a few years. That gives us time to get back to stable as far as finances go and time to learn all we need to do and take all the classes we need to take to adopt. This makes me so happy, up until now I thought Chris was dead set against more children...but turns out he's just dead set against anything that would hurt me. And admittedly, me being pregnant is not a very healthy option...I tend to get very sick and spend alot of time in the hospital. I will have it known that Attie was totally worth it though!!!! She was worth every nightmarish minute of it!!!

So that was my day in a nut shell....a little good and a little not so good.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

A Virtuous Wife

I've just read Proverbs 31. Interesting read, you should read it sometime. Anyways, I read it and I have to admit I was struck. This is what I should be. This is what God is making me to be. I can see it in my life already, I have changed so much in the past year. Just one year, and so much done in is amazing. People can say what they want, but I know without doubt that God has done it all.

I have been sitting here, reflecting on what a good life I have. No, I'm not rich in money, but I am rich in other ways. Rich in family, rich in friends. I have enough and it is wonderful. I have enough to share and that is even better. I can not sing God's praises long enough. I'm telling you...He is the reason for my happieness!!! A year ago I was lost and searching, and He found me and made me whole!!!!

Monday, August 27, 2012

Moving Forward

Ever lost site of how good life is? I did for a little bit, but God reminded me of all I have been given. Church yesterday was amazing and the choir sang a song about moving forward, about how you can't go back, how you won't go back to the way things were before. I am there. I will not go back to the person I was, the past is behind me and I can not dwell in it. I must look ahead and move forward in God. And only in God will I move forward.

I have been given more than I ever deserved. I have a faithful, Godly husband (whom I do not deserve, I have been a horrible person and yet he loved me anyway). I have 3 beautiful, healthy, intelligent daughters. They are wonderful, all so different and unique. I have pets in my home that are wonderful and help to complete our lives. I have friends now, real friends that I can depend on, that I can call on in times of need and doubt. My children have good friends. I have enough food to eat and a home to live in and a car to drive. I have the ability to go back to school and better myself. I have freedom, not just the freedom we enjoy as a citizen of the USA, but freedom from God to be everything I can be, to live life free without fear and doubt. I have all this and so much more and it makes me feel both very small and very tall at the same time.

In the past year, since turning my life over to God, I have gained more than you can ever know. I have freedom. I can not describe it. It is not a earthly thing, there are no words I can use to communicate the feeling of freedom I have. It is something you have to feel for yourself. A year ago, I thought I would never see the end of our suffering. Chris had no job, we had very little income, we couldn't make it. Now, Chris still has no job, we still have very little income, but now we can make it. Somehow, our bills get paid, everytime, without fail. Somehow that money is there. Even when we spend our last dime to pay the power bill, someone puts a 20 in our hand for gas to get Chris to school. He never fails. A year ago, we were selfish, focused on ourselves and how we were going to get through this. Now, even though we have nothing to give, we give everything we have freely. And that is the way it is supposed to be. What you have here on earth is fleeting and you will not take it with need to share your blessings and be a blessing to others. When you recieve help and recieve a blessing, take part of it and bless another. A kind word may be all you can offer, but that word may mean so much to the person you offer it to. Don't be foolish and say I have no money, so I can't help. You don't need money to help. You need time to help, you need love to help and if you have those things, you can make a difference in the world.

I've been sitting here this morning, teary eyed over all God has done for me. Thinking of a new couple I just met, whose life is in tatters. God has placed me in their lives to give them the tools to repair their life. I am being used of God. That is such a big responsibility. God has trusted me and my husband with the care of another family. Do you realize how big that is? There are no words to describe how I hurt for them. It breaks my heart. I can not give them money and make it all better. It will take time and love and long hours. And that is what I have to give, time, love. Jesus did not come down and hand out money. He gave time and love and wisdom.

I think of the song Entertaining Angels by the Newsboys here lately. You never know who you are sitting across from, is that person an angel? Are you sharing your love with an angel of God? I think we come in contact with more angels than we know. However, this has been a long post and I must bring it to a close. But I leave you with that thought, next time you are face to face with a stanger...think to this an angel of God? Am I entertaining angels? How would your reactions change if you knew that you were entertaining an angel and not just a person on the street???

Friday, August 17, 2012

I believe what I believe

Just sitting here listening to Third Day and Brandon Heath singing Creed. Loving it. I'm totally into this song right now. It just speaks so clearly of what I believe. It makes me totally happy. (Not to mention the fact that Mac Powell is pretty and that makes me smile as well) I'm up early again this morning and thanks to my early morning jam session, the kids are up too. Chris is still curled up in bed trying to get warm. I'm finding that now that what I believe is now more defined, that it is being challenged more. And the suprising thing is that it is other Christians that are challenging my beliefs. They want me to believe exactly what they do and if I don't I'm wrong. And it's not that I don't hold with their set of beliefs, but it's more that I don't hold with their set of standards. Make sense? I believe in the life, death, and resurection of Jesus Christ. I believe that He is God, the one and only. He is the Holy Spirit that dwells in me. One God, one way to heaven. You must believe, be baptised and filled with His spirit. However, what I do not believe. I don't believe that wearing earrings is going to affect my salvation. Or jeans, or cutting my hair, or any of that other nonsense. God to not come to earth and die to tell me that my jeans and earrings are bad. He came for a more important reason and I think these trivial things were not really of importance to Him. He was more concerned with saving those who were lost and dying than making sure they wore the right clothes. Sigh. I just wonder about things sometimes. It seems we are living among the Pharasees again...they are adding to the gospel and making it so much harder for people than it needs to be. It is so simple, believe, get baptized, recieve the Holy Spirit and stay on the path of Salvation. That's all you need to do. I want to find a church that is simple like that, not all this pomp and circumstance. I want a simple, home church where I can worship and love God and not get judged by someone. Is that too much to ask????

Saturday, July 14, 2012

A little RLM field trip

I recently took a trip to Kentucky with Greg and Chris for RLM. It was very educational, for me anyways. I saw what kind of environment I will be moving into when Chris and I finish school. It is somewhat like here, but more run down, I would say. We are very spoiled here where we are. We have access to a variety of stores and places to buy goods. They do takes a 30-40 minute drive to get to a old time, Walmart (a super walmart is half an hour in the other direction). They do not have the resources that we enjoy here, we are very used to city water and such. Many of those homes are on privately dug wells and not connected to city water. Churches are small and far between, medical care is the same. Everything is very crowded up there...I'm used to things being a bit off the road here....but there everything is right on top of the main's very claustraphobic. Houses are right on the roadway...not set off like they are here. Once you get out into the country, things tend to spread out more and things are off the roads. Most of the roads are dirt when you get out of the city. The whole place has an air of desperation to the people are desperate for change, positive change. Clinics are closing, churches are closing...their resources are going away. We visited a little town called Hazard, which right now, I feel like Chris and I will be close to that place than located in one of the other counties. I just have this feeling that Perry county is where we will be. I'm ready to be up there, but there is still so much to do and it's hard to wait. Maybe it will be easier when I start my main classes this fall and get into my school work.

Friday, June 29, 2012

Salad Cream

I just had a dream that was a 15 on the weirdness scale. It was so random, that I have actually gotten out of bed to blog about it at 2 in the morning. And the reason it was so odd....was the use of the words "Salad Cream". How often in your life (unless you are British) do you have a dream where the words salad cream are used? Here's the dream as I remember amazed people, be ver amazed. I was at the old Union Grove Church as a youth and we were practicing for a play about the crucifiction of Jesus Christ. For some strange reason I was under a twin bunk bed in the room...don't ask, I can't explain it. However, apparently I was very ill. So at some point during the beating of Christ, I decide to crawl out from under the bed and head for the door. Now the dream morphs into the actual play going on and as I am crawling toward the door, I hear the line that I am supposed to respond to in the play...which is: "Something, something and get the salad cream". The words salad cream were delivered in none other than Kryten's voice from Red Dwarf. You can not make this stuff up. So I make it outside and now I am actually on my feet, limping towards my car. My old burgundy car that I owned circa 1999. This actually makes a little sense, because I would have had this car as a member of the youth group...just not at that church. Well, I get in the car and peel out towards home, buckling my seatbelt as I drive. And in this dream, I suddenly notice that it is very dark. Like, so dark I can't really see even with headlights. This apparently does not bother me, though I do remember feeling alarmed in my brain at the density of the darkness. And apparently now my car had super handling, because now in order to turn all I have to do is think about it. So, I'm in the car, it's dark and I'm speeding down the road to home. My parents home. I am aware that I need to change lanes in order to turn, but I can't because there are cars there, so I'm looking at them and make eye contact with the black girl driving her Tron like car next to me. So somehow I get over and turn and now suddenly I'm on a bicycle going down Irby Circle...though in my dream it looked more like the road into Sleepy Hollow. And the girl from the car and another girl are tagging along behind me on foot. I seemed to be pleased with this development. Well, I get home and for some reason my house is laid out like the church. I get to what would have been the door at the top of the stairway at the church and open it, only to find my mother standing there informing me that the youth director called about me leaving in the middle of a play. I respond with a smart remark about the youth director worrying too much, we laugh, I head to what is my room. Which is actually some kind of apartment that is laid out like a bad sitcom. Where the other 2 girls have gone I have no idea. I am speaking to my mother as I walk and I am taking off a jacket. Might I mention that in this dream I am very thin and hollywood teenager looking. (there's some inner oddness for you to wrap your head around) I am in my little apartment room and I am getting a drink from the fridge when out from my kitchen walks a black guy named Tony. Who apparently was the black girl mentioned before and only now is a black guy named Tony. Who had apparently taken a wrong turn in trying to get back to the main highway and ended up in what appears to be my kitchen. Tony is talking to some other guy, who is not seen. I laugh and tell him he has taken a wrong turn and offer him some form of electrolyte drink. No, I am not kidding. It was at this point that Chris comes to bed. (In real life) So I kind of wake up and take stock of this dream that I have just had. The fact that I dreamed about salad cream hits me and I share with Chris my findings on the state of my mind while dreaming. Then I decided to blog about it. Now to you reading this, all of it was probably odd. However, to me, the most odd thing about it was being asked to get the salad cream during the beating of Christ. Now I'm no psychologist or anything, but I would have to say that this all points to my mind being the consistency of scrambled eggs. I'm sure that having read this, you would agree. Salad cream? Really? For the next 3 weeks all I am going to be able to think about is Kryten saying salad cream...and that people is how my mind works.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Our little obsessions

I was just pestering Chris about his obsession with chickens and it got me to thinking. Don't we all have those little, silly obsessions? Like me with the color pink, which has led to a Pinkie Pie obsession and various other pink themed issues. And Emma...the child is obsessed with frogs and toads...she loves them. Attie is slightly obsessed with anything ipad/ipod Kaelyn likes various odd things as well. *I would like to point out that Emma and Chris have the obsessions that require food and water.* So, I wonder...what are the silly obsessions that rule your lives?

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

The sickness continues

We here at the Vaughn house have been cursed with sickness for a couple of months now. If it was not one was another, the kids were passing sickness back and forth and sinus infections were given out all around. Well, now it's mommies turn apparently. I've had some sort of stomach bug for a week. I am seriously considering seeing a doctor tomorrow...that should tell you something right there. I feel like my body should be totally empty...but somehow it's not. And that sucks. I am totally drained, from being dehydrated most likely. I've never been one to volunteer for a needle, but a bag of fluids would not go amiss right now.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

When did that happen?

At some point, I grew up. When did that happen? When did I leave the me, me, me of youthfulness and head into the role of caretaker of others? I'm not talking about becoming a mom. Any woman can become a mom with a little practice. I'm talking about being a person that others seek out for comfort and serious council. When did I cross the line and become that person? It kind of took me by suprise, to be honest. I never saw myself in that role. I am totally a self centered person in my view. I think about me and my family and what we need. But I find myself in more and more situations where people are confiding in me, trusting me with things they have not trusted other people with. When did I become responsible enough for that? I think there is a little self doubt, as there always is. But maybe a little smile too, that I have grown to be someone people can feel comfortable talking to. Have I come so far in my journey that now I can begin to give back? Have I made it to that milestone? Should I be scared that I have? Lots of questions. Have I in 3 long years of therapy made that much it even possible? Is there a light at the end of my tunnel that I can glimpse at now? Is that ever elusive normalacy just around the corner for me? I know that I feel more comfortable in my own skin now days, which is quite the acomplishment. I feel more comfortable around others too. I laugh more, I joke more. I smile alot more. I have more memories. My children smile more, heck, Chris even smiles more. It feels strange to achieve a goal. More strange to have achieved it and not realized it and then it suddenly hits you in the face to get your attention. I think I'm liking this new me. There's still plenty of the sarchasm of the old me in there, the snarky humor. But I also have found that smiling is fun and laughing is even better. I have friends now...real ones. Ones that I can call on and know they will back me up. I have never really had that before. I have added to my family people I never thought of and people I would have never been comfortable with before. But I still come back to the original question...when did it all happen? I'm not sure, but I think it's here to stay.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

It's been a while...

I've been alive...just coasting along.  Attie has been very sick this past it's been alot of cuddling and doctor appointments.  They switched her to Omnicef and it seems to be working...she's had less fever the past 24 hours.  Kaelyn and Emma are sick as well, sinus infections...but nothing near Attie's level.  I will be glad when the sickness is gone!!
2 more days of school left and summer begins!!!  I am looking forward to it.  I am planning a trip to the zoo this's been years since we've been.  I think we are long overdue for some zoo fun!  Chris and I start back to school the 24th of May, yay.  I will have a class on Tuesdays that I have to be on campus for and I think his is Wednesday nights.  I'm looking forward to it...being useful again or at least it makes me feel that way.  I'm taking 2 computer courses, a math refresher and a first aid class.  I will find out in June if I made it into the Medical Billing and Coding program.  I really hope I
We found some really neat old burlap coffee sacks at Mike's and we bought a bunch of them and turned them into curtains.  They look really good.  I have found a love for repurposing things.  Chris also built a chicken pen out of some grid rack we had left over from the old Petblah days...repurposing!!!!  I love it!!!  I am running late on Spring pictures, everytime I get a day where we can rains.  Gotta love the weather.  I am hoping that Attie will feel well enough by mid week and we can go to the park and do a set then.  I've gotta figure out clothing for them...hmm..what to dress them in????  I did some retouches to a few snap shots and printed them out as 8 x 10's and they look super.  I did them over saturated and they just pop.  I'm going to put them in my little hallway.  I will try to post a pic when they are up.  I have them framed, but we are having to rewire the frames and that's not done yet.
Well, that's all I can think to blab about.  Lots of things, lots of sickness.  Till next time...TTFN!!! Photobucket

Saturday, April 14, 2012

A Sad Day

We will be attending my uncle's funeral today. He was a great man and will be missed. I can't say I'm all torn up about it though...I'm more grateful. Grateful that he did not have to suffer from lung cancer and went quickly. That is really a blessing, that he was spared all the suffering of a long battle with cancer. I will miss him greatly, but I know he's happier and healthier where he is. That is a great comfort to me. He lived a long, happy, healthy life. Rest in peace, have earned it..I love you!

Monday, March 19, 2012

A Wonderful Weekend!

I just have to share what a wonderful weekend I had. I went to the Ladies Conference down in Montgomery with the ladies from New Life. We had such a blessed weekend and I really got blessed. I also received freedom from all the doubt that has been plaguing my mind. My mind is my weakest point and I was just constantly under attack with doubt and fear, but after Friday night that was all shattered!!! I feel like I have more confidence now and a better understanding of how the devil attacks me through my mind and I have picked up some new ways to shut him down and get rid of all the negativity. It' s just so freeing!!! Ok...I'm gonna give you a run down of what happened, because I feel I am supposed to share what happened to me. We got down there Friday morning and went straight in to the first service and I just couldn't get into it...I was just kinda numb. I thought maybe it was the trip down. We got out of service, grabbed some lunch and did a little shopping and went to the hotel to get ready for evening service. We got there that evening and found a place on the side of the stage where we could sit in the front row. I was sitting on the last chair of the front row. I listened to the message and sat there and I heard it, I remember it, but I wasn't all there. Then it was alter call and the Spirit was really moving, but I could not move. I couldn't get up out of my seat, it was like fear and doubt were ropes holding me there and I was watching everyone and all that was in my mind was negativity. "Look at these people, look what they are doing, they are crazy, this is a cult, this is bad, you don't need to be around this, this is wrong, what they are doing it wrong," all that and more over and over again in my mind and I still could not stand up. I don't remember how I came to be standing at last, but I remember Sister Dillon coming off the stage to pray with someone that was close to me and then she came to me, and took my hands and she started to pray with me and she looked my right in the eyes and said, "He's lying to you, everything he's telling you is a lie. He's a liar and he can't take this from you" And she said many more words as she prayed with me, but those are the words I remember loud and clear. And it was just like glass shattering, all that doubt and fear just broke into millions of little pieces and went scattering about. It was almost as if I could see it shattering. And I felt so happy, I began praying with her and finally speaking in tongues and crying. It was just the greatest thing in the world to have all that fear, all that doubt broken away from me. I don't think I quit crying until we started home! So that is what happened to me this weekend. Oh, there's more...don't doubt was a wonderful weekend and Sunday was just as great. Kaelyn got the Holy Ghost and Attie got saved and both Emma and Attie got baptized and Greg and Kelly came for a visit and we had an amazing prayer service. I feel like I got to live on the mountain top for the weekend, to see that there really is hope. Chris and I have been so stressed and so down, even though we are happy in Jesus, the stress is still real and there is more stress ahead for us, but it was so nice to have this weekend on top of the world. To have that reminder that good things are coming, all we have to do is follow and obey...

Monday, March 5, 2012

Almost a break down, but not quite

Well, it's no secret that Chris and I have been under lots of stress. And I've been handling it pretty well up until about a month ago. Then 2 weeks ago, I started crashing. Panic attacks everyday, migraines, anxiety through the roof...all of it. I got to see the doctor today and we have tweeked my meds. I've seriously upped my pill count, but tonight I feel slightly calmer. I don't have a huge headache I will declare victory for a small step forward. We've left my Geodon alone, left the Buspar alone as well, upped my Celexa and added Inderal. I've gone from taking 3 pills a night to taking 12 spaced out through out the day. That will be hard for me to get used to, I'm not used to needing meds during daylight hours. I'm hoping that a side effect of the Inderal will be lowered blood pressure, cause mine's been a little high lately. I did get the troublesome tooth out Friday, so that is also a good thing. I'm still a little sore from the numbing injections...but hey, over all, not so bad. I've been sleeping a little more during the day as well since then, not sure why...maybe just all of this combined and I need the extra couple hours of sleep. So, that's the news from this's hoping that calmer days are in my future!!!

Thursday, March 1, 2012

A day in my life...

It's been an eventful might as well blog about it. Kaelyn was out sick today...but she started feeling better about mid we headed out to Huntsville to run a few errands. We had some chinese and went shopping for nail polish. While we were at Walmart I found a new red betta that I I got him...his pick is on FB if you wanna check him out. I plan to breed this summer, I've got a black crowntail and a crimson fantail. I just need to find some really pretty females and I'll be ready to go. Well, we did our running and went back home...Kaelyn helped dad out for a bit while I visited with mom, Lynn and Hudson. I tell you he is getting too cute, or I should say handsome. We're so used to having girls it's gonna take a while to adjust our talk!! The kids got in from school and put in some serious outside play since the day was so nice. All was well and right with the world. Well, Chris heads out to church before dinner to get somethings done at the church and I was finishing up the cooking, taking the chicken out of the oven when Attie walks in the kitchen. She takes a look at the chicken and says: "Did that chicken come from a live chicken?" I laughed and said yes. She immediately decided she didn't want chicken...she thought that was gross. Then Kaelyn informed her that all chicken was once alive and she really got disgusted. I'm not sure the kid will ever eat chicken again. It was hilarious. So Attie chooses to just have mac n cheese for dinner. Right now the kids are watching some Phineas and Ferb and taking turns playing on the Ipad. It's quiet in here...which is unusual. I'm sure there will be some disturbance of the peace shortly. But that was my was one of the more interesting ones...just a peek into everyday life at the Vaughn house!!

Friday, February 17, 2012

February 2012

Ah, quickly you fly by. Kaelyn's birthday was wonderful...she had a great time! We've been super busy this month with church activities. The sickness has also struck...Chris has been under the weather for a while now. And Attie has missed several days due to strep and now allergies. We visited the doctor today and got new allergy meds...I'm hoping they help. Emma has been the healthiest one of all this month..not a thing wrong with her!! Dad has been in the hospital in Bham since Monday, started out as just a routine surgery to repair is defib, ended up with a week long stay because they can't regulate his b/p. Today it's up though and we are in hopes that he will get to come home soon!! And can I tell you I'm ready for spring to get here!! We've had a mild winter, but I'm ready to see the green leaves and grass and all the flowers again. This brown grass gets boring. I'm ready to see some life in the earth again!! I can't wait to have a nice day to take pics of the many ideas I want to try. I need some loving soul to buy me a new lens for my camera...that would just be awesome!! Alas though, feeding the kiddies comes first!! Darn kids, have to feed them everyday or they get all whiney!!! Poor Bucky is ready for warm weather as well, he's spent the past week staring out of the corner of his cage into the back yard. Well, that's all I can think about to blog at the moment...I'm sure more will come to me later!! Photobucket

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

He builds us back

Just sitting here listening to the Newsboys and Build Us Back came on. Love it! So true!! My life is far from perfect and all my safety nets are torn, but God builds me back from all of that. He makes me stronger everyday. He will mend the broken safety nets, He will pay the bills, He will fix the cars when they break, He will take care of everything in my life. There is so much freedom in this...for so long I've been looking for a way to be truly me, to be the real person that I am...and all along the answer was in front of me. Just trusting Jesus makes me more free than I've ever been in my life, all those old chains are broken. Everyday He breaks down more and more of those walls I have built around myself, everyday I become a little more the real me that I'm meant to be!!! Build Us Back Newsboys We've been crumbled, we've been crushed City walls have turned to dust Broken hands and blistered feet We walk for miles to find relief When the thief takes, when our hopes cave You build us back You build us back When the earth shakes, when the world breaks You build us back You build us back We are scared, we are poor All our safety nets are torn We've been humbled to our knees From these ruins, we believe When the thief takes, when our hopes cave You build us back You build us back When the earth shakes, when the world breaks You build us back You build us back Redeemer, redeem us Restorer, restore us Oh build us back Though the mountains be shaken, the hills be removed Your unfailing love remains After all that's been taken, Your promise, still sacred You build us back with precious stones When the thief takes, when our hopes cave You build us back You build us back When the earth shakes, when the world breaks You build us back You build us back

Monday, January 16, 2012

January 2012

Wow. It's 2012 and it's already flying by. Attie's birthday is tomorrow, my baby will be 6!! It just does not seem possible that she is that old. We had a little party for her Saturday and she had fun with Olivia all day, she loved her presents and cake. Next item is to get ready for Kaelyn's birthday in a few weeks. She will be 11 and that makes me feel old...I have a solid decade of parenting behind me...I am old. Chris has started back to school for this term...oh joy. He's probably enjoying Cal 2...the oddball that he is. I am, how to say it right, learning. Yeah, learning. I'm growing...that is for sure...but into what I do not know yet. We'll see...maybe I'll be really cool or something. Photobucket