The Spring Blahs????

I have been feeling really down here lately.  I just feel like the world is out to get me. Like everyone thinks I'm worthless.  It seems like everywhere I turn, people seem to be pointing out my faults.  It's been a rough week or so.  I thought this was supposed to happen in winter?  I guess that it's more proof that I am not normal.

I feel like screaming, but at the same time, I wonder if it's even worth it.  What happened to the me who was confident and happy?  Ugh.  I should be sleeping right now...but no, I'm not.  Every time I closed my eyes I hear those voices telling me how worthless I am.  I kinda feel like I've hit the bottom of the barrel and it's a long way up again.  And it's a really tiring journey and I'm really tired and what I really want is just to rest.

I'm in one of those places where I wonder, why?  Why me?  Why now?  And all those other questions that go along with that train of thought.  I'm beyond tired of being so worn thin.  I want a break....any break.  Just  one thing to go right for a change.  Just one.  I want to know where I'm going on this journey and I want some solid ground to stand on and I want to know that it will be ok in the end.  I find myself short on faith right now...I find myself short on a lot of things right now.  I just want some answers.  I've been walking in this fog for so long...it drains every ounce of energy I have.  I want a glimpse of where I am headed.

I feel very human right now.  Very alone.  I know it won't last forever, but it does seem that way right now.
Here is a song I often listen to in times like these...It helps me move on again...

Coming Undone

Coming Undone by Korn

Keep holding on when my brain's ticking like a bomb
Guess the black thoughts have come and came to get me
Sweet bitter words unlike nothing I have heard
Sing along, mockingbird, you don't affect me

That's right
Deliver it to my heart
Please strike
Be deliberate

Wait, I'm coming undone
Irate, I'm coming undone
Too late, I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate
Wait, I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate

Choke, choke again, I thought my demons were my friends
Pity me in the end, they're out to get me
Since I was young I tasted sorrow on my tongue
And this sweet sugar gun does not protect me
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net ]

That's right
Trigger between my eyes
Please strike
Make it quick now

Wait, I'm coming undone
Irate, I'm coming undone
Too late, I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate
Wait, I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate

I'm
trying to hold it together
head is lighter than a feather
looks like I'm not getting better
not getting better

Wait, I'm coming undone
Irate, I'm coming undone
Too late, I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate
Wait, I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate

_______________________________________________________________

I love this song.  And to some people that may seem odd...but let's look at it from my perspective.  I have a Mental Illness....yes, God has seen fit to heal my mind and I don't have near the issues I once did...but I still have a Mental Illness.  I still place myself in that category...I am still one of  us.  It's like anything else in life, there is a bond there.  

And this song is about going crazy.  Pure and simple.  I wish I had Jonathan Davis' talent for putting all my pain into words like this.  I relate to him...because he and I are of the same kind.  So I relate to this song.  I know what this song is about.  This song is for me.

For someone with a sound mind, that is a terror inducing statement.  But for those of us who know...that song is a release.  It let's the evil out of your head and relieves the pain.  It's comforting.

Many of you who read this blog, only know the Stacey who is presented to the world.  You've seen very little of the real me.  I feel that the real me is a dark and dangerous thing.  It takes a ton of effort to walk in the normal world sometimes for people like me.  It drains your strength.  That is why most of us do a little something called "isolating".  We remove ourselves from most situations.  Stay home, go places alone.  It's easier that way.  You end up having more energy.  We also don't sleep well...so that doesn't help the energy situation.

Now, in the past year, I have made real progress.  I often enjoy the company of others and smiles come more easily.  I often seek out companionship on my own...with out prodding.  I have even taken to friending old high school-mates and seeing what their lives have been like.  I'm growing.  I see more light than dark these days and my soul is lighter.  I am a fairly happy person and a fairly normal person.  I am very appreciative of what I have.

But always in my mind is the thought of what could be.  The darkness is always there, partly disturbing, partly comforting in some ways.  Some days it scares the snot out of me and some days I don't mind it at all.  Like I said, I'm getting better.  If only my temper would even out...I might pass for normal.

That being said...I will always find comfort in Korn's music...I know how the mind that wrote it works and that is comforting to me.  I think people feel that this music is evil and hate filled.  But it's really just someone's reality.  It's really just a lot of people's reality.  

Anyway...enjoy your weekend....be full of light and hope.  Enjoy your good health and good friends.

Various Little Blurbs

I have quite a few things running around the enormous space between my ears. Thought I would jot them down for posterity, insanity...same thing.

My kids are annoying. Seriously. The excel at the art of getting someone to wish they could slap them. Right now, as I type, they are arguing over some nonsense about birthday parties. While NOT doing the chores they were told to do. They each have inherited mine and Chris' sense of humor and sarcasm. This is probably a bad thing. They also love to ask obvious questions just to see me twitch. In fact, I am beginning to believe that most of the annoying things they do...they do to see me twitch. On the other hand....I realize that these same girls will dismantle any boy who ever tries to get in their way or hold them back. This, I think, is a good thing. Heck...Attie will probably just bite them and move on.

Here lately I've been seeing my kids as they will be when they get older. Kaelyn is the easiest to cry...she's very sensitive. Beware to any boy who makes her cry...because she will get revenge. And she is not afraid to throw a punch. Emma is quieter and will most likely just crush someone with a look of disdain. She won't even give them the time of day. Attie...will be down right dangerous. Attie had no problem getting in your face and demanding you do what she says. And again...she's not afraid to throw a punch. Yes, beware boys...you're gonna have some bruises.

Scene change

Chris announced he got me a gift for my birthday. This is unheard of. Chris does not usually get me gifts. (this is my fault...in our younger days, he often came home with jewelry, roses, candy, and other assorted goodies. But I made the mistake of telling him we needed to be careful with our money...and since them...I have not received one gift. I think Janet forced him to buy me flowers one year for mother's day. Not one Christmas, birthday gift in over 9 years...nothing) So, this is unusual, to say the least. He asked if I wanted to know what it was...or if I wanted a surprise. I normally can't stand surprises...being to curious to wait. But opted for not knowing..since this was such an unusual occasion. I wanted to enjoy it fully. My birthday is not until March 2...so I have a bit of a wait. I have been told, though, that when a rather large package arrives..I am not to open it. Hmmmm.

Scene change

I still have not taken down my Christmas tree. Every time I think of it...something else comes up and it gets put off til later. Maybe I will do that later.

Anyway...just little random things...nothing to serious...

Letting go...what I've done

Take a moment and watch this video and listen to the words. No it is not a Christian artist...but the message is good.



Preachers, teachers, saints, kids, teens, everybody will tell you that to get over your past you must hand it over to Jesus and let it go. This is true. But I wanna talk about your part of that today. The actual handing it over to God...that requires work on your part. No one can do it for you. This is something you must do by yourself. You must face yourself, forgive yourself, see yourself for who you are...and then hand it over to God.

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands
Of uncertainty


Jesus will wipe your slate clean in the spiritual...and it will all be gone. But you have to go into your own mind and body and wipe that slate in yourself. You have to let go and forgive yourself. And it may be with uncertain hands that you wipe that slate clean. But you need to do it.

If you hold on to what you've done in your life...you will never get anywhere with God. God will be waiting on you. He's already forgiven you...it's done...you just have to let go of it, too. One of Chris' favorite sayings is "If God has forgiven you, how dare you not forgive yourself".

You have to do it...yes it may be hard and it may take some time. But it is time well spent. Once you are a child of God, filled with His Holy Spirit, your past does not own you. You are free. And freedom means being able to let go. It's ok to let go and tell your past that "you don't own me". It really is.

Now, there are going to be things that you will remember for the rest of your life...I'm not talking about erasing your memory. The key is to not let them hold you back, to let go of them and tell those things..."You no longer own me, I have forgiven myself of this, Jesus has forgiven me of this...and though it may come to mind, it does not control me. I am free in Jesus and these memories will not hold me back".

Being a follower of Jesus is not always easy, it does require some work on our part. It requires you to let go of your past life, hurts, hangups, whatever. That may take time, but like I said, it is time well spent. If you want true freedom...do your part...let go and give 100% to Jesus. (as long as you hold on to those things...you will not be capable of giving 100%...just to let you know)

So, we know we need to...but how do we? For some it is as simple as making up our minds, for others we need a little help and direction. There are many Bible studies, help groups and friends in Jesus who can help us out. Celebrate Recovery is a great program for anyone who can't let go of their past...no matter what is in it. It will take you through the steps of letting go bit by bit. Maybe you just need a one on one partner in this fight...seek out a member of your church, one who is a bit older than you spiritually, and ask for help with this area. This person can pray with you and give you counsel. Work it out physically...get a notebook or a blog and wtite out all these things and that can help you let go. There are many choices to help you with this, just find one that feels right to you, that you are comfortable with...and don't be ashamed or daunted if the first thing you try doesn't work out. Sometimes it takes a few tried to find out what we are comfortable with and what is going to work for us. Remember...no two of us are the same.

I hope this has helped someone in some may...always keep in mind...I'm walking through this too.

A short note on amazement

If you have not read a few entries back...do so. I will sum up until you can read it all. I was out of line...I am now in line. There ya go.

Hmmm...when you line up with God..He will use you. I find things coming out of my mouth that did not filter through my brain first. I am writing things that did not come from my brain. They came from God as He revealed them to me.

It's a little scary...being used this way. It's never really happened to me before...maybe because I never truly embraced who I was in Christ until now and He could not act when I was holding on to doubt. I have this feeling in my chest that I have to share...I have to get it out. I can not hold it in.

I've heard preachers say...out of your mouth will flow living water....yeah, yeah. But I can not keep it in...can not. My way of letting it out is mostly online, through my blog, my Facebook groups and pages and through music. But I tell you if you were to set me up in the Walmart parking lot with a soap box...it would be all over.

The City on a Hill

The City on a Hill



The Lord our God is one God. However, right now I want to talk about unity and diversity.

When the first church began all those years ago, there was only THE church. Not the churches. And as the song depicts, one by one, the drifted away and sought to gather only with others that were like them.

God is a lover of diversity. In that first church, there were many kinds of people. Did you imagine that the first church was populated just by people like you? No, there certainly were people like you there. But also there were those who are very different from you. There were those who worshiped in a quiet manner, and those who cried out loudly in their worship. There were people who were passionate when they spoke and those who were steady. There were those who were lovers of music and worshiped with their voices and instruments. There were those who prayed alone in a corner and those who walked and jumped and prayed out loud. Every kind of way to worship and praise the Lord was represented. Yet they were all united. They gathered together and they shared meals together.

Then somewhere along the way, they began to just seek out those that were like them and slowly they began to separate. The church broke into churches, where only one common type of worship, prayer and preaching were common and accepted. The light began to fade in the city on a hill when the church began to grow apart.

Because just like the song says, we were always meant to be together, we were never meant to be separate; we were made to complement one another in our worship. God loves diversity. He loves that we each have our own way to show our love to Him, but He loves it even more when we put aside the barriers of denominations and walls and come together and even though we are different…join together to worship His name. We were meant to stand together. We are stronger when we stand together. God made us to be together in THE church. Not separate in many different churches.

It is not Biblical that we should be separated. God wants His church to be united. Across all the differences we may have, we have the love of God in common. That one fact is common ground enough to come together, each in their own different way, and love and worship God.

It is time for the city on a hill to shine once again. It is time for the walls and barriers to be taken down and for brothers and sisters in Christ to reach out to one another in love and worship together. Just because someone is not like you, does not mean they are wrong or out of God’s will. It just means they show their love in a different way…God sees their heart and He knows them and all they are. It is time for us to break down the walls, because God did not put those walls there. They are man-made and were never intended by God. The Lord our God is one God and He has but one church….THE church.

It’s time to find out light again and show the world the love of God.

Pondering things.

I hate not being able to be open about a situation. It annoys me. But I can be open about me and my issues and struggles. So, it will have to do.

Ever had God kick you in the head? Yeah. Pretending to be someone you are not, even if it is for good reasons, is just not a good thing. When you pretend, you can not reach the people you are supposed to reach. How many people did I pass up while I was pretending? How much damage did I do? I pray that none, I pray that God used another person to reach them when I was not in a place to do my job.

I am not meant to look like the main stream "Christians". I am meant to be the creature in Christ that I am. And show that God's love does not depend on your outward appearance. God does not care what your hair color, style, length is. He doesn't care what you dress like. He doesn't care how many piercings and tattoos you have. He LOVES you. Just as you are. God is worried about your heart and soul. He wants you to spend eternity with Him.

Now, when you finally get your relationship with Jesus and you have Him as your Savior. He may speak to you about things. Maybe you will have convictions on the aforementioned things that are between you and God. And when that happens, that bond and covenant will be powerful. If you make a vow to not cut your hair with God, that has power. However, God does not require that of everyone. From each of us He requires different things. And what God requires of you may change as your relationship progresses. And at each stage..those vows you make and hold to will have power.

What am I supposed to be right now? I am supposed to hold on to what makes me unique. My hair. I am supposed to keep it colored and show people God's love. I am to show them that God can love you...just as you are. I am to reach out to those who connect with me through that uniqueness. For me personally, it is ok to wear jeans, funky shirts, have funky colored hair, get my nails done, wear jewelry....most anything I want to. Of course there are limits. Nothing with foul language or offensive. Shorts, if I wear them out, are to be longer. I choose not to wear make up. I only wear jewelry occasionally.

God loves diversity. He loves color and light and such. If He did not...then why so many different skin tones, so many different eye colors? Freckles? Why did He make so many different flowers and creatures? Because He loves diversity. God made us all different inside and out. No two are the same. Let that sink in...there is no one else like you. You may find people who share certain things in common with you...but no one is entirely like you. I can not grasp the power it takes to make so many people and plants and animals and each on of them different. That is power!! God is powerful enough to create all this diversity...and there is no limit to his perfection.

I have 4 dogs in my house. A black Great Dane. A border collie/aussie shepperd mix. And 2 white boxers. The Boxers are the same type of dog...same breed. But they are nothing alike. Summer is goofy and small and loyal to the end. KC is drooly and loves to be up in your lap and love on you 24 hours a day. Summer loves to cuddle too, but she also likes alone time. Even in dogs...God's diversity is apparent. He took that much care to make even the animals individuals. How much more so are we given that love to be who we are????

All this has been stewing in my head as I tried to work out who I was supposed to be. What was I supposed to look like? What types of vows to God was I to take? I've taken a week ( a serious week, a many months of piddling) and thought on these things. I wondered why my prayer life had been so constricted, why I really couldn't raise my hands in praise. Why I didn't feel God. Then something happened and I decided to die my hair again, back to purple. As first it was a rash decision, but then I got down to some serious talking with God about it. And God said...be you, be who you are. So I did. And there was freedom. I could praise again, and I could love God again and I could pray again. Those barriers were removed when I became who I was supposed to be all along. When I stopped trying to fit into this world's views and just became the person I was meant to be. I had been trying to be normal for good reasons. My husband is now a psstor, pastor's wives don't have purple hair. I tried to fit in. But I only bound my spirit and bound what God could do in my life and what He could do through me.

Sometimes obeying God is not what the world expects of us. Sometime God wants us to do what He wants despite they way the world will look at us. I pray that I keep the strength to follow what God wants me to do. Even when it is hard, and I look different and I feel like I don't fit in.