Monday, April 20, 2009
I'm still feeling down. I've put in 2 calls to the doctor and am waiting to hear back. I really hate feeling like this and knowing that nothing I do with change it. I've been way uncreative here lately so I sat down at the computer and made myself do some things. I was fairly please with how they came out, these are the first sigs I've made from scratch in a very long time. I've been using templates and tuts mainly. But I think these came out ok...
Monday, April 13, 2009
I went to the therapist today. She's concerned because my meds are not really working to help me out of this slump. I still don't see the doctor until the end of May and there are no earlier appointments. I've shut down all my threads and things because I just don't feel creative. I sit and look at the computer, but have no ideas on anything to make. I hate feeling this way. I've only been on my new dosage for just a little while, so maybe it just has not had time to work yet and it will get better. I hope so. My therapist is concerned that I'm not taking my meds like I should. I have problems with that in the past, but I told her Chris is watching me take them and she could call him and talk to him anytime she needed to. I have been taking them, they are just not helping. So I'm just kind of stuck here, feeling cruddy until they do kick in and work. I really don't like feeling like this. I'm supposed to go to a NAMI meeting tomorrow night, but we'll have to see if I have a way to get there...this week is gonna be tight because Chris bought all the wood and things to do the chicken runs. Well, I've babbled enough for now. Ta
Thursday, April 9, 2009
When I started this blog I wanted it to be so that everyone could see that having a Mental Illness doesn't make you strange or a leper or anything. But I have not been truthful with my posting because I've been afraid of how people will see me, yeah, I know....makes zero sense. That was the point of the blog. Well, I'd better do some catching up. I've been going through a low point and had to have my antidepressant adjusted. In fact, it got doubled and it will probably still be several more weeks before I get any real benefit from that. Right now, I'm caught in the middle and trying to make it the best way I can. So, what does it feel like to be depressed? Tired, angry, ill, grumpy and out of sorts. I get tired easily and sleep more. I take naps during the day when I can. I get angry quicker and snap at people more often, so I try to keep my mouth shut more. I don't have any real want to. I don't want to do anything, it's like being in limbo. I'm just waiting to feel better. Everyone tells me I've made huge strides in a very short time. I went back on medication in December, this is the longest time I have ever been on medication. They tell me not to be impatient and not to think things will just be ok all of the sudden. But that's what I want. Before I was medicated, I didn't think I had a problem, I was fine. Now that I'm on the medication I can see how very close I came to dying and how big of a problem I did have. But I want it to be poof and I'm better. And that is not happening, I'm having to wait for the medicine to kick in and give me the energy that I need to do the things I want to do. I get frustrated when I can do one load of laundry and be really tired. Or when I know I need to do the laundry and something in my mind has me set against it. I get really frustrated when I can't talk. I get stuck in the middle of a sentence and can't go any farther. They tell me this is called "thought blocking" and it may or may not get better. What it is is a sign that I've let to long go without medication and my brain is damaged. All that time I could have been on meds and my brain could have been more whole than it is now. I think of that and think I was a fool for a very long time. I like being online, because I can talk online. No one notices the gaps when you are typing. No matter how long it took you to type that sentence. All in all, I know I have come a long way from where I was, but now I feel kind of stuck and waiting for the next thing. And I'm just hoping that the next thing is feeling better about everything.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
I've been kinda out of it for a bit. The doctor doubled my antidepressant, so that's got me a little groggy. The weather here has been everything from sunny and warm to snow in the past 2 weeks, so that has not helped either. I'm still around, just not as active for now....kinda just laying low.