Yet again....

It's been forever. Not much going on. Took Attie to the doc today,she has a hemorrhage in her eardrum. They said now that the pain is gone, she shouldn't have any issues with it, but they did put her on antibiotics for her chest congestion. Kaelyn will be testing for her blue belt this weekend. And we got a new greyhound, his name is Ridge and he is huge! He's a brindle and white and just gorgeous.

I'm still waiting on a call from the doctor about therapy. I got word that I would have to do group therapy since they can't find a therapist that my insurance approves of. I guess I will have to call them myself and get things started if it's ever going to amount to anything. I need to be back in therapy because the doctor thinks my anxiety will be best handled in therapy. I'm just looking forward to not being the only crazy person in the room for a change.

Well, I went to the doctor yesterday and discussed my mood swings and anxiety. She increased my dose of antidepressant and said it would also help with the anxiety. I'm ready to be out of this funk. My mood is either depressed or angry. I want to be happy again...I'm tired of being tired. I sick of being sick. I guess you could say I'm sick and tired. hehe I know I'm getting better, it just doesn't seem fast enough. I want to be better now. But they told me depression takes the longest to recover from, the meds take months and months to work. I'm ready to have some energy back and to feel like my old self again. I guess I'll just have to settle for day by day and know that I am getting better, no matter how slow it is...

For reasons unknown I have been unable to sleep well here lately. I have been having the weirdest dreams and just not resting at all. I go see the doctor Wednesday, so we'll see what she has to say about it. I really don't want anymore medication, so I'm hoping we can steer clear of that. I have been a little down here lately, so I'm wondering if I need to increase my antidepressant again. I am horribly afraid of dropping back down into the depression that I suffered earlier this year, I never want to do that again. That was the lowest I have ever been and it was not fun at all. I'm still not completely better, but I am getting better. A little more each day.

*Sigh* It's been a rough week, mentally. I've just been snappy and grouchy and generally unpleasant. I have not felt very well all week to tell the truth. The kids have had a good first week at school. But I have been in a funk. I can't settle on any one thing and my mind is racing. I have not slept well at all, I can't quiet my mind at night. I can't really even find the words I want to put down here...so I guess this will be a short post.

I just finished reading Impulse by Ellen Hopkins. It's a good book about suicide. If you ever really want to know what it's like to try and fail and then come back from it you should read it. You really get an understanding of the thought process. However, it is not a book I should have read. I'm still recovering from my own suicidal ideas and it was a bit too real for me. It was a good book, but not one I should have read. I feel horribly uncomfortable having read it, I can't explain it. It feels kind of like, I don't know. Like I read something adulterous almost. The book left me feeling breathless at the way it ends...it disturbed me somewhat, I guess you could say. Either way...good book.

I'm having issues today. Panic attacks and I'm very stressed out. I always get a little panicked when Chris is at work, but I can normally PSP my way through it. Today I'm having no luck. The kids are really not helping either...all they can do today is fight with each other. I think I'm gonna have to speak to my doctor about something for this anxiety, I don't want any new drugs, but being like this is not healthy either. I know my blood pressure is sky high right now and all I want to do is cry. I can't lay down and sleep it off because I need to watch the kids. I have been playing on the computer most of the day. Trying to keep my mind off of it, but my chest won't stop hurting and I've had to hide from the girls a couple of times when I felt like I couldn't keep from crying. I don't want to upset them. Chris doesn't get off work until 5 and then he has an hours drive home, so it will be 6 at the earliest before he's home and something always happens to make him late. I guess I will just have to deal with it till he gets home...no matter how hard that is to do.