Thursday, April 9, 2009

Catching up

When I started this blog I wanted it to be so that everyone could see that having a Mental Illness doesn't make you strange or a leper or anything. But I have not been truthful with my posting because I've been afraid of how people will see me, yeah, I know....makes zero sense. That was the point of the blog. Well, I'd better do some catching up. I've been going through a low point and had to have my antidepressant adjusted. In fact, it got doubled and it will probably still be several more weeks before I get any real benefit from that. Right now, I'm caught in the middle and trying to make it the best way I can. So, what does it feel like to be depressed? Tired, angry, ill, grumpy and out of sorts. I get tired easily and sleep more. I take naps during the day when I can. I get angry quicker and snap at people more often, so I try to keep my mouth shut more. I don't have any real want to. I don't want to do anything, it's like being in limbo. I'm just waiting to feel better. Everyone tells me I've made huge strides in a very short time. I went back on medication in December, this is the longest time I have ever been on medication. They tell me not to be impatient and not to think things will just be ok all of the sudden. But that's what I want. Before I was medicated, I didn't think I had a problem, I was fine. Now that I'm on the medication I can see how very close I came to dying and how big of a problem I did have. But I want it to be poof and I'm better. And that is not happening, I'm having to wait for the medicine to kick in and give me the energy that I need to do the things I want to do. I get frustrated when I can do one load of laundry and be really tired. Or when I know I need to do the laundry and something in my mind has me set against it. I get really frustrated when I can't talk. I get stuck in the middle of a sentence and can't go any farther. They tell me this is called "thought blocking" and it may or may not get better. What it is is a sign that I've let to long go without medication and my brain is damaged. All that time I could have been on meds and my brain could have been more whole than it is now. I think of that and think I was a fool for a very long time. I like being online, because I can talk online. No one notices the gaps when you are typing. No matter how long it took you to type that sentence. All in all, I know I have come a long way from where I was, but now I feel kind of stuck and waiting for the next thing. And I'm just hoping that the next thing is feeling better about everything.

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