Thursday, July 16, 2009
I've been fighting the feeling that I want to go back into the hospital. I've been feeling more and more pressure to just escape. I'm not dealing with the real world very well right now. Not having a therapist is making it much harder to deal than I ever thought it would. But that pissy 30 minutes a month was something that really helped. Every day it is getting harder and harder. It's like wading through water that keeps getting deeper and deeper. At first it's easy to walk through it, but as it gets higher it gets harder and you get slower. It just seems like I'm alone in all this. One broken mind among all these normal minds. If you look at the numbers, I know there are more like me out there....hiding it seems. I want to be with people like me, people who understand and who can talk and laugh about it and who don't get all nervous around you. I'm tired of being surrounded by people who don't understand what's in my head. Which leads me back to the hospital thing...people in there understand. People in there know what it's like, they know how it feels, they understand. I need to be understood. I need to be around people like me. So, that brings me to what's bugging me...trying to stay out of the hospital and get on with life in the normal world. I'm tired, I need a break. I need a few days where I can just take my brain off the hook and let it rest. It's hard work being among normal people. I have to concentrate on just being normal, appearing normal. Everything that comes out of my mouth I have to think about twice. Everything I see I have to think about 5 times just to make sure it's real. All this takes energy. Energy that I am running out of right now. Even sitting here typing this I have to think and think about what I want to say. What I want to type, I have to filter it. I have to filter everything. And things that normally get filtered in a normal mind, don't get filtered in my mind...It takes an actual thought. I created this blog to show people what it's like to be in a fractured mind....well this is part of it. Exhaustion is part of it...I have to hide what's wrong with me. I have to smile and do what is expected of me and it gets tiring. Well, I think that's all I have energy for right now. I know I've repeated myself at some point in this rambling...but I'll just have to live with that.