Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Life is sucking right now

People are walking through my kitchen. People who are not really there. It's been a few days now that this has been happening and it's getting on my nerves. I can't see the doctor until the 7th and heaven knows when I'll be seeing a therapist as they have not hired a new one yet. If you ever thought you could get quality mental health can't. Mental health is so over looked and underfunded that I'm lucky I even have a center within driving distance. And still it sucks, I've had 3 therapists since I started there 7 months ago and now I'm without a therapist cause the last one quit. I've got imaginary people walking through my kitchen, my house is a hell hole because I'm burying myself in my computer to avoid the hallucinations. I can't keep up. This is the point where my mind becomes different from other people's minds. This is how it differs and it's a biggie. I still go on and do what I can. I can tell the difference in my house as to what is real and what is not...that's easy. It's out in the real world that I have trouble. I don't know if the person that walks up to me in WalMart is real or imaginary. So I go around with a scowl on my face because I'm thinking so hard trying to figure it out and people stare at me wondering why I'm so pissed off. In reality, I'm not pissed off....I'm just trying to get through without talking to someone who's not there and thereby causing people to stare at me even more. And you thought you hated WalMart. I have to resolve to do better, tho. I have to come out of the computer a little more each day and make myself face what is happening. Chris got so pissed at me tonight when I finally told him what's going on because I had not told him before. This is the point where I begin to feel alone. I feel cut off from the real world and it's a dangerous time. It's this time that I am most in danger of being put back in a I clam up and don't say anything. Which ends up getting me in bigger trouble. Vicious cycle. Well, that's what's on my mind and what I'm doing now. Fun, eh?

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