Monday, October 15, 2012

Letting go...

Chris has this saying, about when we hold on to things that are toxic to us and don't hand them over to God. He says we keep it because it's pretty, and shiny and it's mine. I always laughed at that saying, never really seeing myself one to hold onto something "toxic". And then it hit me, I was holding on to something. I was holding on to an idea. The idea that certain people in my life, though I didn't see them but maybe 2 times a year, really deep down were good people and loved me. I was wrong. In reality those people look down on my family (Chris, the kids and I) and see us as a burden and a bother. These people should be supportive of my family, but they are not...they are too much in the world. This realization hurt me really deeply, these are people I have spent my entire life with, who are supposed to love me...and in reality, they don't even care for me, much less care about me.

If you have not guessed already I am talking about the majority of my family. Risky, putting this side of my feelings out there, but I honestly don't think any one of them will ever read this, and I'm tired of lying to myself and the world. I always thought of my family as close. But it's not. There are little clicks who are close...but I am not included in any of those. I'm not cool, I'm not successful at what is deemed popular. I am {now} a Jesus Freak, Stay at home mother, school teacher and all around guru of things that make my children both smile and cringe. I am embarking on a new phase in my life as a home missionary as well. And it slowly dawned on me that these are not popular things to be in my family. I am, in just about every sense, the black sheep of the family.

This is what I was not letting go of. I was holding it, playing with it, letting it breed fear and resentment in my heart, letting it separate me from God. Until yesterday. And I really didn't wanna deal with it yesterday, I was even going to skip church. But, in the end, I couldn't do that, and I did deal with it all and just gave it all to God. All that was so broken and trampled in my life, I gave to Him. I feel better, there is still a little sadness in me. I always thought my family was perfect. And it sucks to realize that it's not. But I do have people who love me.

In my time at New Life, I have gained a new family that loves me for who I am. Even when my hair is blue, they are not ashamed to call me a sister. They love me for who I am, unconditionally. That is a great comfort to me. I don't have to pretend or play nice...I can just be who God made me to be and that is ok. I guess that's all the time I have for now...peace be with you!!

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