Moving Forward

Ever lost site of how good life is? I did for a little bit, but God reminded me of all I have been given. Church yesterday was amazing and the choir sang a song about moving forward, about how you can't go back, how you won't go back to the way things were before. I am there. I will not go back to the person I was, the past is behind me and I can not dwell in it. I must look ahead and move forward in God. And only in God will I move forward.

I have been given more than I ever deserved. I have a faithful, Godly husband (whom I do not deserve, I have been a horrible person and yet he loved me anyway). I have 3 beautiful, healthy, intelligent daughters. They are wonderful, all so different and unique. I have pets in my home that are wonderful and help to complete our lives. I have friends now, real friends that I can depend on, that I can call on in times of need and doubt. My children have good friends. I have enough food to eat and a home to live in and a car to drive. I have the ability to go back to school and better myself. I have freedom, not just the freedom we enjoy as a citizen of the USA, but freedom from God to be everything I can be, to live life free without fear and doubt. I have all this and so much more and it makes me feel both very small and very tall at the same time.

In the past year, since turning my life over to God, I have gained more than you can ever know. I have freedom. I can not describe it. It is not a earthly thing, there are no words I can use to communicate the feeling of freedom I have. It is something you have to feel for yourself. A year ago, I thought I would never see the end of our suffering. Chris had no job, we had very little income, we couldn't make it. Now, Chris still has no job, we still have very little income, but now we can make it. Somehow, our bills get paid, everytime, without fail. Somehow that money is there. Even when we spend our last dime to pay the power bill, someone puts a 20 in our hand for gas to get Chris to school. He never fails. A year ago, we were selfish, focused on ourselves and how we were going to get through this. Now, even though we have nothing to give, we give everything we have freely. And that is the way it is supposed to be. What you have here on earth is fleeting and you will not take it with you...you need to share your blessings and be a blessing to others. When you recieve help and recieve a blessing, take part of it and bless another. A kind word may be all you can offer, but that word may mean so much to the person you offer it to. Don't be foolish and say I have no money, so I can't help. You don't need money to help. You need time to help, you need love to help and if you have those things, you can make a difference in the world.

I've been sitting here this morning, teary eyed over all God has done for me. Thinking of a new couple I just met, whose life is in tatters. God has placed me in their lives to give them the tools to repair their life. I am being used of God. That is such a big responsibility. God has trusted me and my husband with the care of another family. Do you realize how big that is? There are no words to describe how I hurt for them. It breaks my heart. I can not give them money and make it all better. It will take time and love and long hours. And that is what I have to give, time, love. Jesus did not come down and hand out money. He gave time and love and wisdom.

I think of the song Entertaining Angels by the Newsboys here lately. You never know who you are sitting across from, is that person an angel? Are you sharing your love with an angel of God? I think we come in contact with more angels than we know. However, this has been a long post and I must bring it to a close. But I leave you with that thought, next time you are face to face with a stanger...think to yourself...is this an angel of God? Am I entertaining angels? How would your reactions change if you knew that you were entertaining an angel and not just a person on the street???

I believe what I believe

Just sitting here listening to Third Day and Brandon Heath singing Creed. Loving it. I'm totally into this song right now. It just speaks so clearly of what I believe. It makes me totally happy. (Not to mention the fact that Mac Powell is pretty and that makes me smile as well) I'm up early again this morning and thanks to my early morning jam session, the kids are up too. Chris is still curled up in bed trying to get warm. I'm finding that now that what I believe is now more defined, that it is being challenged more. And the suprising thing is that it is other Christians that are challenging my beliefs. They want me to believe exactly what they do and if I don't I'm wrong. And it's not that I don't hold with their set of beliefs, but it's more that I don't hold with their set of standards. Make sense? I believe in the life, death, and resurection of Jesus Christ. I believe that He is God, the one and only. He is the Holy Spirit that dwells in me. One God, one way to heaven. You must believe, be baptised and filled with His spirit. However, what I do not believe. I don't believe that wearing earrings is going to affect my salvation. Or jeans, or cutting my hair, or any of that other nonsense. God to not come to earth and die to tell me that my jeans and earrings are bad. He came for a more important reason and I think these trivial things were not really of importance to Him. He was more concerned with saving those who were lost and dying than making sure they wore the right clothes. Sigh. I just wonder about things sometimes. It seems we are living among the Pharasees again...they are adding to the gospel and making it so much harder for people than it needs to be. It is so simple, believe, get baptized, recieve the Holy Spirit and stay on the path of Salvation. That's all you need to do. I want to find a church that is simple like that, not all this pomp and circumstance. I want a simple, home church where I can worship and love God and not get judged by someone. Is that too much to ask????

A little RLM field trip

I recently took a trip to Kentucky with Greg and Chris for RLM. It was very educational, for me anyways. I saw what kind of environment I will be moving into when Chris and I finish school. It is somewhat like here, but more run down, I would say. We are very spoiled here where we are. We have access to a variety of stores and places to buy goods. They do not...it takes a 30-40 minute drive to get to a old time, Walmart (a super walmart is half an hour in the other direction). They do not have the resources that we enjoy here, we are very used to city water and such. Many of those homes are on privately dug wells and not connected to city water. Churches are small and far between, medical care is the same. Everything is very crowded up there...I'm used to things being a bit off the road here....but there everything is right on top of the main highways...it's very claustraphobic. Houses are right on the roadway...not set off like they are here. Once you get out into the country, things tend to spread out more and things are off the roads. Most of the roads are dirt when you get out of the city. The whole place has an air of desperation to it...like the people are desperate for change, positive change. Clinics are closing, churches are closing...their resources are going away. We visited a little town called Hazard, which right now, I feel like Chris and I will be close to that place than located in one of the other counties. I just have this feeling that Perry county is where we will be. I'm ready to be up there, but there is still so much to do and it's hard to wait. Maybe it will be easier when I start my main classes this fall and get into my school work.

Salad Cream

I just had a dream that was a 15 on the weirdness scale. It was so random, that I have actually gotten out of bed to blog about it at 2 in the morning. And the reason it was so odd....was the use of the words "Salad Cream". How often in your life (unless you are British) do you have a dream where the words salad cream are used? Here's the dream as I remember it...be amazed people, be ver amazed. I was at the old Union Grove Church as a youth and we were practicing for a play about the crucifiction of Jesus Christ. For some strange reason I was under a twin bunk bed in the room...don't ask, I can't explain it. However, apparently I was very ill. So at some point during the beating of Christ, I decide to crawl out from under the bed and head for the door. Now the dream morphs into the actual play going on and as I am crawling toward the door, I hear the line that I am supposed to respond to in the play...which is: "Something, something and get the salad cream". The words salad cream were delivered in none other than Kryten's voice from Red Dwarf. You can not make this stuff up. So I make it outside and now I am actually on my feet, limping towards my car. My old burgundy car that I owned circa 1999. This actually makes a little sense, because I would have had this car as a member of the youth group...just not at that church. Well, I get in the car and peel out towards home, buckling my seatbelt as I drive. And in this dream, I suddenly notice that it is very dark. Like, so dark I can't really see even with headlights. This apparently does not bother me, though I do remember feeling alarmed in my brain at the density of the darkness. And apparently now my car had super handling, because now in order to turn all I have to do is think about it. So, I'm in the car, it's dark and I'm speeding down the road to home. My parents home. I am aware that I need to change lanes in order to turn, but I can't because there are cars there, so I'm looking at them and make eye contact with the black girl driving her Tron like car next to me. So somehow I get over and turn and now suddenly I'm on a bicycle going down Irby Circle...though in my dream it looked more like the road into Sleepy Hollow. And the girl from the car and another girl are tagging along behind me on foot. I seemed to be pleased with this development. Well, I get home and for some reason my house is laid out like the church. I get to what would have been the door at the top of the stairway at the church and open it, only to find my mother standing there informing me that the youth director called about me leaving in the middle of a play. I respond with a smart remark about the youth director worrying too much, we laugh, I head to what is my room. Which is actually some kind of apartment that is laid out like a bad sitcom. Where the other 2 girls have gone I have no idea. I am speaking to my mother as I walk and I am taking off a jacket. Might I mention that in this dream I am very thin and hollywood teenager looking. (there's some inner oddness for you to wrap your head around) I am in my little apartment room and I am getting a drink from the fridge when out from my kitchen walks a black guy named Tony. Who apparently was the black girl mentioned before and only now is a black guy named Tony. Who had apparently taken a wrong turn in trying to get back to the main highway and ended up in what appears to be my kitchen. Tony is talking to some other guy, who is not seen. I laugh and tell him he has taken a wrong turn and offer him some form of electrolyte drink. No, I am not kidding. It was at this point that Chris comes to bed. (In real life) So I kind of wake up and take stock of this dream that I have just had. The fact that I dreamed about salad cream hits me and I share with Chris my findings on the state of my mind while dreaming. Then I decided to blog about it. Now to you reading this, all of it was probably odd. However, to me, the most odd thing about it was being asked to get the salad cream during the beating of Christ. Now I'm no psychologist or anything, but I would have to say that this all points to my mind being the consistency of scrambled eggs. I'm sure that having read this, you would agree. Salad cream? Really? For the next 3 weeks all I am going to be able to think about is Kryten saying salad cream...and that people is how my mind works.

Our little obsessions

I was just pestering Chris about his obsession with chickens and it got me to thinking. Don't we all have those little, silly obsessions? Like me with the color pink, which has led to a Pinkie Pie obsession and various other pink themed issues. And Emma...the child is obsessed with frogs and toads...she loves them. Attie is slightly obsessed with anything ipad/ipod related...lol. Kaelyn likes various odd things as well. *I would like to point out that Emma and Chris have the obsessions that require food and water.* So, I wonder...what are the silly obsessions that rule your lives?

The sickness continues

We here at the Vaughn house have been cursed with sickness for a couple of months now. If it was not one thing....it was another, the kids were passing sickness back and forth and sinus infections were given out all around. Well, now it's mommies turn apparently. I've had some sort of stomach bug for a week. I am seriously considering seeing a doctor tomorrow...that should tell you something right there. I feel like my body should be totally empty...but somehow it's not. And that sucks. I am totally drained, from being dehydrated most likely. I've never been one to volunteer for a needle, but a bag of fluids would not go amiss right now.

When did that happen?

At some point, I grew up. When did that happen? When did I leave the me, me, me of youthfulness and head into the role of caretaker of others? I'm not talking about becoming a mom. Any woman can become a mom with a little practice. I'm talking about being a person that others seek out for comfort and serious council. When did I cross the line and become that person? It kind of took me by suprise, to be honest. I never saw myself in that role. I am totally a self centered person in my view. I think about me and my family and what we need. But I find myself in more and more situations where people are confiding in me, trusting me with things they have not trusted other people with. When did I become responsible enough for that? I think there is a little self doubt, as there always is. But maybe a little smile too, that I have grown to be someone people can feel comfortable talking to. Have I come so far in my journey that now I can begin to give back? Have I made it to that milestone? Should I be scared that I have? Lots of questions. Have I in 3 long years of therapy made that much progress...is it even possible? Is there a light at the end of my tunnel that I can glimpse at now? Is that ever elusive normalacy just around the corner for me? I know that I feel more comfortable in my own skin now days, which is quite the acomplishment. I feel more comfortable around others too. I laugh more, I joke more. I smile alot more. I have more memories. My children smile more, heck, Chris even smiles more. It feels strange to achieve a goal. More strange to have achieved it and not realized it and then it suddenly hits you in the face to get your attention. I think I'm liking this new me. There's still plenty of the sarchasm of the old me in there, the snarky humor. But I also have found that smiling is fun and laughing is even better. I have friends now...real ones. Ones that I can call on and know they will back me up. I have never really had that before. I have added to my family people I never thought of and people I would have never been comfortable with before. But I still come back to the original question...when did it all happen? I'm not sure, but I think it's here to stay.